When the Holiday Lights Dim: Coping with Post-Holiday Let Down

We often talk about how the holiday season can be extremely difficult when you are grieving. For many people, that is true. Still, sometimes, the busyness and activity of the holiday season can serve as a distraction from our grief (see my post on grief distractions or STERBS HERE). So when the calendar turns, and there are no more fairy lights or lists of tasks to accomplish, we can feel lost and hit with the severity of our grief.

The holidays can provide a natural buffer to our grief by giving structure and meaning to our days. Staying busy can feel like it’s helpful in our grieving process, but ultimately, it doesn’t do much to heal us. In fact, it can just serve to postpone the impact of our deeper feelings. I have a blog post about staying busy as one of the six myths of grief HERE that further explains why staying busy can be helpful and harmful. It’s a very common way that people try to cope with the complicated feelings associated with loss.

So, when January arrives and the parties and gatherings are over, the to-do list turns back into the mundane, there’s nothing much to look forward to in the mail, people don’t stop by with little gifts, and the holiday decorations and lights get packed back up leaving the bleak winter darkness behind, it’s only natural that we can feel a sense of emptiness and the creeping back of feelings of grief we thought we had already moved past. This all, coupled with the lack of light in winter (see my post on Seasonal Affective Disorder and Grief HERE), can be discouraging and sometimes makes us feel like we are back to ground zero with our grief.

This is all normal, but it sure doesn’t feel very good. So, what can we do about it?

First, allow yourself to feel your feelings. This can be a good time to recognize that distracting ourselves from our grief doesn’t actually heal us. So, instead of finding a new distraction to dive into, let it be okay that you are experiencing your emotions. Set aside time to feel. Journal — there is a really powerful connection between journaling (especially by hand) and being able to express and process our feelings.

Second, find ways to maintain some structure. Obviously, we don’t want to jump back into the all-consuming activity that is the holiday season — it didn’t work to heal us before, and it won’t again! But giving some structure and meaning to our days is healthy. Suppose your life doesn’t naturally provide structure. In that case, you might have to look for ways to incorporate it with a regular commitment to volunteer work or joining groups or clubs that meet regularly.

Third, find meaningful ways to stay connected to loved ones who supported us during the holidays. Just because the Christmas card season is over doesn’t mean we have to stop sending mail. Also, knowing that the support you received in the early days of your grief was essential to your comfort and feeling less alone, maybe you can be the one reaching out to others who may need an understanding heart to hear them.

Fourth, keep some holiday comforts around. If the light of candles or fairy lights provided a warm glow that soothed your spirit, there’s no reason those have to turn off just because it’s January. If you had a cozy ritual of drinking tea with a book by the tree during the holidays, you could find a comforting way to keep that going even without the tree. Keep comforting objects around, like a scented candle that brings you joy or a soft, warm, weighted throw to bring you the calm, cozy feeling you’re craving.

Fifth, don’t isolate. We may find ourselves really missing our human connections when all the holiday gatherings are over, and people return to everyday life. Find community with friends and loved ones, a book club, a class at the library, or a group with a shared interest like some knitting friends or a hiking group. This may go against everything you think you want, but we absolutely need each other, especially when we are going through hard times. Yes, it’s easier to stay home by yourself, and you can certainly allow a bit of that. But isolation is bad for you — there’s no way around it.

Remember, too, that it’s important to maintain physical care of your body during this transition. When we support our bodies, our bodies can better support our brain — and that brain of yours is doing an incredible amount of work in the emotional process of grieving. Create simple routines that focus on sleep, rest, movement, and nutrition.

Being harsh with yourself will not help you through this time, so remember to treat yourself like a dear friend going through a difficult time. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Just because the calendar flips to a new year doesn’t mean your grief stays in the past with the old year. This may also be the time when you realize that you need professional grief support. Please reach out, if you do. I offer a free 30-minute Zoom consultation, and you can set that up HERE.