Let’s Talk about STERBS
We are going to talk about STERBS today. "Sterbs?" you ask, "What is a sterb?"
STERBs is an acronym for Short-Term Energy Releasing Behaviors.
You know that feeling of being unable to contain the emotion inside you. When we experience intense emotions, those emotions create energy in our bodies. Our bodies were never meant to hold all the energy that strong emotion brings. So when we are happy, we might jump up and down or clap our hands. When we are angry, we might feel like we need to yell or hit something. When we are sad, our bodies are designed to get that energy out through crying.
One of our tasks in becoming adults is learning to express our emotions appropriately; for some of us, that means not expressing them at all. We learn to suppress our feelings because they don't seem acceptable to society or the people in our lives. But those emotions still cause our bodies to produce energy, and we all use STERBS to release that energy.
Grief is one of the most intense emotional experiences that humans have. Grief doesn't feel good. It's uncomfortable and painful and can be completely overwhelming. We can feel desperate to escape those feelings, even just for a little while. This is where sterbs come in.
Sterbs are behaviors that release energy or buffer our emotions so that we are not thinking about the source of our emotions any longer, and we get short-term relief from the energy our emotions create. Some examples of sterbs are excessive exercise, overeating, drug or alcohol use, gambling, escape through video games, tv, or movies, shopping (we even call it "retail therapy"), social isolation, unusual risk-taking, sex or pornography use, and mindless scrolling of our phones, just to name a few. A sterb can temporarily relieve or numb the energy big emotions bring.
One night a few weeks ago, my husband was awakened by a loud noise in the night. He asked if I had heard it, and while I did think I remembered hearing a sound in my sleep, I had been sleeping hard and couldn't identify the sound. He said he thought maybe something had fallen over. It wasn't worrisome enough to check on until morning, but as I searched for what could have made such a loud sound, I couldn't find anything out of place. My husband wondered if he might have dreamed the sound.
A few days later, I opened a cabinet in my kitchen where we keep canned goods. Right at the front of the cabinet was the lid of a can. I first wondered why someone had opened a can and then put the top back on the shelf. At that point, I also noticed an unpleasant smell in the cabinet, and it wasn't hard to spot the culprit. We'd had a can of pineapple in the cabinet -- it's possible we had it for far too long. The can exploded in the cabinet! The can literally blew its lid. The pineapple had been rotting in the can (gross!) and eventually built up enough pressure to blow the lid right off. That was the sound that woke us up!
So, what does that have to do with sterbs? The pressure of our emotional energy can build up to a breaking point if we are not doing something to relieve the pressure. When stress from unresolved emotional energy builds and builds with no release, we can blow our lid. So we do need to build healthy coping strategies to relieve that energy. These include exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, sleep, social connection, hobbies, and others.
What is important to remember is that no matter what you use as a sterb or coping mechanism, they are short-term relief. For minor events, going for a run may be enough to help you release that energy and move on. But, with grief and other severe emotional experiences, sterbs are not a long-term solution.
Let's go back to my pineapple can. Had I noticed the can before it burst, a sterb might have been noticing it was bulging and poking a hole in the top of the can so it wouldn't explode. That would have saved the nighttime pineapple explosion, but it wouldn't have done anything about the source of the pressure, which is whatever was festering in that pineapple.
By identifying your go-to sterbs (we all have them!), you can try to be more aware of when you are using them. For example, if I'm spending hours scrolling my phone (one of my sterbs), if I notice I'm doing that, I can stop and ask myself, "what am I trying not to feel?" Becoming more aware of the fact that we are avoiding our emotions helps us to re-center and try to move through them instead of side-stepping them.
Do sterbs release pressure? Yes. Do they do anything to resolve the source of the problem? No. In fact, sterbs can often make us feel even worse. If our sterb includes engaging in behavior we don't approve of in ourselves or others, we can feel shame about that. Grief with a topping of shame or guilt is just that much more painful. Some sterbs can be harmful to us physically, psychologically, and even spiritually. You'll notice that many of the commonly used sterbs can be addictive behaviors. Addiction creates whole new levels of pain in our lives and the lives of our loved ones.
Until we do something to become emotionally complete with our grief, those emotions will keep coming to the surface again. Trust that you are strong enough to feel any emotion that may come. Finding healthy outlets for your emotions is key, but getting to the root of the issue and dealing with it head-on is really the only way to truly heal. I recommend the Grief Recovery Method to resolve the unfinished emotions that come along with grief. If you have questions or would like a free consultation, please reach out. I would love to talk with you.
