Grief Myth Number 6: Keep Busy
This post is part 6 of a blog series exploring the 6 Myths of Grief as found in The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. To read part 1, click HERE. To read part 2, click HERE. For part 3, click HERE. For part 4, click HERE. For part 5, click HERE.
We have finally reached the final post in my series about the 6 Myths of Grief. The sixth myth of grief is "Keep Busy." Without a doubt, this is the one I get pushback on most often -- both from clients and my own brain. Let's explore that.
If we have experienced a loss, we will often hear advice to "keep busy," "stay active," or "get a hobby." This doesn't sound like harmful advice, does it? And truthfully, there's nothing wrong with staying active, having a lot going on in your life, or developing hobbies. In fact, these would probably be under the category of healthy coping mechanisms. For some people hearing that keeping busy is one of the myths of grief can feel downright insulting. I once had a client exclaim, "I don't like this at all! What is wrong with being busy? Would you rather have me just lying around all the time?" I have to admit, part of me agreed with her -- isn't it better to be busy than just lying around? So, what is going on here?
It all comes down to one issue. Keeping busy doesn't actually do anything to heal us. It distracts us from our feelings. The Grief Recovery Handbook says, "Keeping busy buries the pain of loss under an avalanche of activity." So, keeping busy isn't so much a coping mechanism as an avoidance mechanism. Sometimes we use activity to turn off our brains a bit. If I'm too busy to think about my loss, I won't have to feel anything about it. So then I never think about it, never feel anything about it, and never process my loss, and then it chases me because I've got to stay busy to keep it at bay.
So, back to my client's question: "Would you rather have me just lie down all the time?" No, that's certainly not what anyone is trying to imply. There's nothing wrong with being busy, per se. But using busyness to heal is not effective. It does nothing to resolve our emotional pain. It just distracts us from it momentarily. When we stop or slow down, it will pop right up again -- so it's not practical or sustainable.
Here's another problem with staying busy as a coping strategy. Busy doesn't mean better. Sometimes our self-worth comes from thoughts about how our accomplishments make us valuable. In Western society, we value staying busy, getting things done, checking off our to-do lists, and being productive. We feel like we "should" be able to do all the things all the time. So what happens when your health or other life circumstances (including grieving) interfere with your productivity? We can beat ourselves up for letting our emotions interfere with what we feel we need to do. Feeling worthless on top of grief doesn't feel good. So we will power through and find that we only have the energy to be busy or feel our feelings, but not both. Take some time to rest (grief is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting!) and some time to truly feel your feelings.
Taking action to heal is far more satisfying and way less exhausting than turning yourself into a whirlwind of activity to distract you from what's on your heart and mind.
