Gentle New Year Intentions When You’re Grieving
Do you like setting New Year’s Resolutions? I find that I am really inspired by the start of a new year or even a new week. I know that I can make changes any time — and truth be told, some of the most impactful changes I’ve made have been things I’ve decided to do on a Thursday afternoon in the middle of the year. But I really do like the imagery of a fresh slate. You may or may not be the same, and that’s okay. There’s nothing essential about making changes at the start of the year.
In fact, when we are grieving, it can be tough to have the calendar flip over and feel like we have to jump into resolutions and goals when, most days, it’s hard to even put our shoes on. If that sounds like you, maybe this is a year to skip the harsh resolutions and set some gentle intentions instead so that you’re leading with kindness and self-compassion and honoring where you are, but can still move meaningfully toward healing.
Here are a few ideas of gentle intentions for the new year:
“I will be patient with myself while I carry this loss.”
Another way we might phrase this one is to say, “I will not ‘should’ myself.” I see so many clients who are beating themselves up for not being “back to normal” relatively soon after they’ve experienced a major loss.
It can be really hard to not feel like yourself. Your emotions are all over the place. Your energy is down or even non-existent. You might have trouble finding joy in things that used to make you happy. You might be forgetful. You might feel like you’re a bad spouse, a bad parent, or a bad employee.
Something I remind my clients of all the time is, “This just happened.” It takes time to adjust to your new reality and to do the work of healing. Your brain is so busy doing these things in the background that it makes sense that you’re not feeling like yourself.
Grief does not have a timeline, and it’s normal for your emotions to be all over the place. Give yourself that grace without expecting to get over it by a certain date.
“I will honor my loved one’s memory in small, meaningful ways.”
After a loss, one of our greatest fears can be forgetting memories or having others forget about our loved ones. So, make a plan to honor them. Maybe it’s something as simple as lighting a candle or looking through photos when you’re feeling up to it. Or you could plan a small remembrance project for each month of the year. Don’t get caught up in what other people think — you just do this for you.
“I will tend to my basic needs with gentleness.”
It can be hard to give your body the care it needs to support your grieving brain, but it makes such a difference when we do. Instead of starting a harsh exercise regimen or putting ourselves on a strict diet, opt for small acts of self-care like making sure you go outside at least once a day, drinking enough water, taking a walk around the block each day, or ensuring you are in your bed by 10:30 PM even if you don’t fall asleep right away.
This is not the time to pressure yourself with ambitious self-improvement projects. Your body needs extra support, and you can give it to yourself in a kind and gentle way.
“I will make space for joy when it naturally comes, and make that space without any guilt.”
Sometimes, after a loss, we feel like we will never experience joy again. But one day, we are surprised to discover we had a happy moment or two (or, if we’re lucky, an even longer stretch). We smack back that happiness by feeling guilty for having it at all, which can make us retreat and feel reluctant to try again.
Experiencing joy after a loss does not mean that your loss didn’t matter, that you don’t miss them, or that you’re not still grieving. It just means that you continue to live, and you deserve to feel joy in your life, no matter what has happened to you.
“I will accept help and connection when I can.”
This can be difficult, especially if we are used to being self-sufficient and have a hard time asking for or receiving help, even from people we love. The truth is that grief is really isolating, but we need people. So, allowing trusted friends and family members to support you, even in very small ways, can be healing.
This can be as simple as agreeing to a walk together or accepting when someone offers to bring you a meal.
This can also look like seeking professional support. If that is you, please schedule a free consultation call with me HERE.
Ultimately, the intentions you set are entirely up to you. They’ll be as personal as your loss and your stage along the path you’re walking. Be willing to be a kind advocate for yourself and what you truly need right now. You may have to set some boundaries with friends and family who are trying to “should” all over your new year, and that’s okay. You know what you need best, and when you care for yourself gently and intentionally, you’re setting yourself up for a healing year.
