When Halloween Is Not A Treat
From holiday traditions bringing up painful memories to Halloween images featuring images of death with cemeteries, zombies, mummies, and skeletons, Halloween can trigger intense feelings of grief in people who are mourning.
Recently an acquaintance remarked to my daughters that she thought I would be really into decorating for Halloween. They exchanged a knowing glance and said, "No, she is not really a Halloween person at all. She likes cute Halloween -- like a baby in a duck costume, and she loves fall. But she's not into creepy, scary Halloween at all." They know me well. So you might feel I'm writing this from the perspective of a Halloween scrooge, but maybe this post will give you something new to think about.
In the United States, Halloween has become a $10 billion+ industry. Gone are the days when the primary signal it was Halloween was a carved pumpkin on the porch. Across the street from my house, my neighbor has two 12-foot skeletons with electronic eyes that follow you as you walk past. I pick my daughter up from school in a neighborhood with more than one graveyard crafted in the front yard. A friend recently shared photos of a relative's Halloween decor that featured the most realistic dead, decaying, and dismembered mannequins I have ever seen.
I'm not here to be the fun police or to yuck anyone's yum. I'm genuinely not. People are so creative, and Halloween is a fun time to feature that. And I love to see people get excited about things in a big way. But it's important to know that Halloween can be tricky for grieving people.
Obviously, not everyone who is grieving is bothered by Halloween. And if you aren't, that's okay! I'm not telling you that you should be bothered by it. It's important to know that if you are disturbed by Halloween, that's a normal reaction, and it's okay to feel that way.
Three Ways Halloween Can Be Hard
1. You might have a lot of memories tied up in any holiday, and Halloween is no exception. When we think of holidays that can be hard for grieving people, we often think of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc. But we don't always think of Halloween.
If you always carve pumpkins as a family, and Dad was in charge of scooping out the pumpkin insides, if he is no longer there (whether from death or divorce), that might bring up painful thoughts of how he should be here or how he's missing out.
If Grandma used to make handmade costumes for the kids, that could be difficult to know that she's not able to do that anymore.
If your brother's favorite candy was Snickers, you might feel a pang of grief when you are going through your child's Halloween candy, remembering how he always used to steal your Snickers bars.
Holidays are tied to so many specific and very personal memories; when those come up, it's easy to be reminded of our loss.
2. Traditionally, Halloween was a holiday for children, so it can be especially painful for people who have lost children or for people who have been unable to have children.
If you have lost a child, it can be a tangible reminder of how old that child would be this year.
If a trick-or-treater comes to your door dressed in a similar costume to your child, that might be a delightful reminder or a painful one, especially if the memory hits you out of the blue in a way you weren't anticipating.
If you want to be a parent and have always imagined what Halloween with your own family would be like, but there aren't children in your life, it can be a poignant reminder of that loss.
3. Halloween has become increasingly adult-focused, with more emphasis on horror and death. Many Halloween decorations depict death-related imagery, and even the food at Halloween parties can be gory and disturbing.
If you have just buried someone you love, seeing a cemetery pop up in a neighbor's front yard can be jarring, even if it's done in a humorous attempt. It can also be difficult for a child who has recently lost someone they love.
Similarly, decorations depicting realistic accidents and death can feel too close to home if you have recently lost someone. Again, this can be difficult for young children to determine what is real vs. Halloween fiction.
So, how do you cope?
On the downside, it's hard to escape Halloween imagery. It's everywhere in stores and public places, and on social media. If it's too much, try to do as much online shopping as possible where you can control more of what you see instead of being blindsided by coming around the corner to a disturbing display. If you have friends that are really into that part of Halloween, feel free to mute their social media feeds until Halloween is over.
It can be tempting to feel antagonized by Halloween decor and the people who delight in it. I really think the majority of people have no idea how it may be triggering to someone who is grieving, and they only intend to celebrate, not to make things difficult for you. They're not trying to be insensitive. So remember, their Halloween activities are not about you. The imagery might still be disturbing, but you can make it feel less personal by remembering that.
On the upside, Halloween is a pretty easy holiday to opt out of because it's not a holiday that comes with a lot of external expectations. You don't have to decorate. You don't have to hand out candy. You don't have to acknowledge the holiday in any way. While you can't control how your neighbors and friends choose to decorate or celebrate, people will understand if you're just not up for a Halloween party or the holiday itself this year.
People generally understand that certain years or seasons are difficult, even if you previously have been a big Halloween fan. And if they're not, it's time to set firm boundaries. Halloween can be fun, but when it's not a treat and is causing you pain, it's self-care to opt out and take care of yourself so you don't experience more unnecessary pain. You know yourself better than anyone, so don't feel guilty or wimpy for needing to advocate for yourself.
