How to Cope with Thanksgiving After Loss: A Practical Guide to New Holiday Traditions
An empty chair at your Thanksgiving table can feel overwhelming whether you’ve experienced the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship. The spot they would have been at the table can be a painful reminder of your loss. And while we can’t replace who might be missing, there are gentle ways to move forward and celebrate Thanksgiving in a way that honors what you’ve lost while creating new memories.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Your feelings may be all over the place, and that’s okay. Even if your loss was a long time ago, holiday memories can bring up feelings of grief when we aren’t expecting it. Try to find a quiet moment to sit and decide what you’re feeling.
Are you sad because you’re missing them? Are you feeling angry that you’re doing it all yourself this year? Are you feeling relieved that you won’t have to hear Grandpa’s political rants over pie this year? And then, are you feeling guilty for feeling that way? Give yourself permission to feel exactly how you are feeling — even if that feeling isn’t thankful.
Find a trusted friend or family member to talk about your feelings. Stuffing them down will only make them bounce back up again when you’re not expecting or wanting them to. Saying something like, “I’m having trouble feeling thankful. I’m really missing my mom this year. I could use a hug!” can help people know you can use some extra support.
Reimagining Traditions
Before the holiday, sit down and think about what traditions have been part of your celebrations in years past. Then, decide which traditions you want to preserve going forward. Then, think about things you might want to do differently. What are some new elements that might bring comfort and joy to your Thanksgiving this year? You can overhaul the whole thing if you want, but a gentler way to go about it might be to choose one or two things to change and see how that feels.
Here’s your permission slip: You don’t have to keep participating in traditions that no longer bring you joy. And, if you try something new this year and you hate it, you certainly don’t have to keep doing it. Think of it as an experiment — try different things and see what feels best to you.
Remembering Your Loved One at Thanksgiving
Here are a few practical ideas for honoring the memory of your loved one at Thanksgiving:
Set a place for them at the table, and instead of a plate, have a bouquet of their favorite flowers.
Similarly, you could leave a place for them at the table, have friends and family write little notes about why they are thankful for this person, and leave it on the plate.
Or, if it feels appropriate for everyone, go around the table and share your gratitude for the person. Be mindful that not everyone will be comfortable sharing out loud.
If an empty place at the table feels like too sad of a reminder, have everyone wear your loved one’s favorite color.
Light a candle in their honor.
After A Divorce or Separation
While you understandably may not be interested in honoring the memory of the person you’re no longer with, there are some things you can do to make the holiday easier on yourself when it’s feeling difficult. Here are a few ideas for ways to change up your Thanksgiving traditions.
Instead of celebrating at home, celebrate somewhere else. This could mean taking a trip, eating out at a restaurant, or just celebrating in someone else’s home so that the reminders of holidays past are fewer.
Invite new friends to join your celebration so it’s not just all the same people minus your ex.
Start a fresh tradition your ex was never a part of, like volunteering at a food bank or running a turkey trot.
Focus on activities that don’t have strong associations with past celebrations. Make a new recipe, try doing a puzzle after dinner instead of watching football — anything to mix it up so it feels fresh for you.
Looking Ahead
Remember that healing after a loss isn’t linear. You may have a more challenging time in some years than others. That’s normal, and you should allow yourself the grace to feel whatever feelings come up. Even if it looks different than before, focusing on creating moments of joy and connection in the present holiday can help Thanksgiving still be a comforting and enjoyable day.
What matters most is finding a way to celebrate that feels comforting and authentic to you and your loved ones this year. Don’t be afraid to adjust and reassess every year as you need to. There’s no one right way to navigate the holidays after a loss.
If you need help putting aside painful memories so that you can build new traditions and create new memories, I’d love to work with you. Find out more about what that looks like HERE, or even better — set up a free consultation call with me right HERE.
