Pomp and Circumstance
A few weeks ago, I was at a bridal shower chatting with someone I hadn't seen in a while. I asked about her daughter, who is about to graduate, and she said, "She's good. I just want her out of my house!" I was a little taken aback by her response and thought to myself, "Maybe graduation would have been easier on me as a mom if I felt this way about my daughters." I've had three daughters graduate high school, one more to go, and I have always felt very sad that they would be leaving the nest, so I had trouble relating to how she felt. I'm not saying she's wrong about the way she feels -- it's just another example of how individual our experiences can be. This week is graduation week at our local high school, which can mean lots of mixed emotions -- for parents and students. It can feel confusing to have mixed emotions around an event that we typically consider purely happy and celebratory, but let me show you why mixed emotions are a perfectly normal response.
The year my oldest daughter graduated from high school felt like an emotional roller coaster for me, and it was not something I expected. She was an excellent student and a high achiever. She worked incredibly hard to achieve all her goals. She was valedictorian and was heading off to her dream college in the fall. I was incredibly proud of her (still am!), so happy for her, and excited for her future. So why did I also feel sad and emotional? Isn't this what I hoped and dreamed for her? As a parent, you definitely want your children to graduate from high school, right? My feelings were confusing, and I felt like I was selfish for being sad for me when I should just be happy for her. Thinking that I was being selfish caused me to feel shame -- what kind of mom isn't just happy for her kid? And that simultaneous combination of happy, thrilled, proud, sad, and ashamed was a lot.
The Grief Recovery Institute defines grief as "the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior." High school graduation marks the end of a familiar pattern of behavior -- your child lives at home with you. Your daily routines revolve around the school calendar, sports, concerts, performances, homework, and their friends. That shift into a new phase of life for your child can be uncomfortable as you forge what this new pattern of behavior looks like for both of you. This milestone marks the passage of time and a shift from childhood to young adulthood. It can be easy for landmarks like this to make us feel nostalgic or even regretful about things we wish we had done differently or been better as parents.
One of the things I was mourning with my daughter's graduation was the end of our family unit all living together. She was heading back east to college, and our family dynamic would change. I loved our family dynamic exactly how it was and didn't want anything about it to change. I assumed that something different would automatically be worse. And, it was different. But what I learned by going through it was that we found a new good. She wasn't leaving our family, just leaving her home bedroom for most of the year. Our new pattern of behavior was new and different than before, but it was still wonderful. I just couldn't project into the future to see it that way. Did I miss her? Of course. Do I sometimes look back longingly at the days when they were all little and at home with me? Absolutely. And that's okay!
What would have made it easier on me was to give myself permission to feel it all. To feel happy and excited for my daughter but also have it be okay that I was sad and worried about how our family would change. That would have taken shame and the beating myself up out of the equation, automatically making it more manageable. This has come up each time one of my girls has graduated -- the knowledge that our family dynamic will change once again. The difference is now I know a different dynamic can still be good, and I'm less hard on myself for having feelings about it.
Graduation can also be a time of grief (conflicting feelings) for our kids. This is true not only for high school graduation but also for college. There are so many parties and celebrations along with a feeling of accomplishment for finishing something big. Your child may be really excited and ready to move on from the high school dynamic. They might be feeling full of their new independence and freedom from high school. They may be joyfully anticipating all the future holds for them and their friends. But they may also be experiencing sadness over friends going different ways after graduation. Perhaps they see graduation as the marker of the end of childhood as more of a loss than an exciting milestone. They may be experiencing some anxiety about moving out on their own for the first time or the job market, or the state of the world they are entering into. The responsibilities of adulthood may feel overwhelming, and they may long for the simplicity and comfort of childhood. They may feel guilty for leaving you behind. And they could be feeling a million combinations of things.
So, how can you help them get through it?
First, be honest with them about how you are feeling, but do not make them your emotional support. Find a trusted adult to talk to about your feelings so that you do not burden your child. "I'm so proud of you, and at the same time, I'm really going to miss having you at home full time" is different than "You're leaving me, and things will never be the same! I don't know what I'm going to do with myself without you here!" It's not your child's responsibility to manage your feelings about them growing up, nor to help you determine what the next step is in your life. If this is difficult for you, please reach out for help, but not to your child.
Second, try to put yourself in their position and anticipate some of what they may be feeling. But, always be open to the fact that you may be wrong. If they go to college out of state, but most of their friends stay local, they might be worried about their friendships moving on without them. Ask questions and really listen to their answers. It could be that YOU are worried their friend groups will move on without them, and your child is excited about the chance to branch out and meet new people.
Third, let your child know that it's okay to be having a wide range of feelings and you are there to listen. It's normal and natural at such a significant milestone to feel a bunch of things. They could be thrilled one day, sad the next, frustrated, then nostalgic, then back to excited. If they're not sad about graduation, that's fine! Some kids are just so ready to move on. Please don't make it mean anything about you or how they feel about their childhood. But do let them know that it's okay if they end up having some negative feelings at some point and that you are always there to listen. If they are not having any positive feelings about graduating and moving on, then it is really time to listen and help them through whatever emotions they are having. It could be something simple or a situation where you need some professional help, and there is no shame in that at all. If you have a child that naturally struggles during times of transition, giving them the tools they will need to get better at this is a gift that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
Graduation is a time of pomp and circumstance. Sometimes the circumstance can feel complicated and more confusing than celebratory. It's a big transition, and it's normal and natural for you AND your graduate to have many feelings about it, even ones that seem to contradict each other.
