Grief Myth Number Four: Just Give It Time
This post is part 4 of a blog series exploring the 6 Myths of Grief as found in The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. To read part 1, click HERE. To read part 2, click HERE. For part 3, click HERE.
"Time heals all wounds."
How many times have we heard someone say this? How many times have we been advised just to give it time? Or how often do we hear, "the first year is hard, but after that, it gets easier."? It would be impossible to count. These ideas about time being a healer are ubiquitous, and we use them often when trying to comfort people who are going through something terrible. The problem is that time passes, but it does not heal on its own.
I love this quote from Dr. Edith Eger "Time doesn't heal. It's what you do with the time. Healing is possible when we choose to take responsibility, when we choose to take risks, and finally, when we choose to release the wound, to let go of the past or the grief." Before we go any further, I want to clarify that Dr. Eger is not saying we have to take responsibility for what happened -- often, the terrible things that happen in our lives that cause us grief are not things that we are responsible for. She's saying that we are responsible for initiating our healing. No one else can do that for you. You are the only one! And that is an empowering thought because you don't have to wait for anyone else or for a certain amount of time to pass before you can begin to heal.
When I was getting my master's degree in gerontology, I volunteered with some adults in their seventies and eighties. In talking to them and hearing their stories, I found that each of them was still grieving things that happened when they were a child, adolescent, or young adult. I hadn't done my training in grief recovery yet, and I was so surprised that these things that happened decades before were still such tender wounds. In fact, this is one of the experiences that led me to the field of grief recovery. A lifetime of holding onto heartache is too much.
In grief recovery work, we are often asked, "is it too soon to begin healing?" or "how long should I wait after my loss to work with you?" And my answer is that only you can decide when you are ready to do the work, but I will say that if you had a broken bone, would you wait a while to take care of it? Would you give it a year first? Of course not. And there's no reason you need to wait to take care of your emotional pain either. I've had clients work with me almost immediately after a loss, and they have found it to be a very valuable part of their healing process. Please don't let the myth that time heals prevent you from taking action. Time without action simply passes.
