Grief Myth Number Five: Be Strong for Others

This post is part 5 of a blog series exploring the 6 Myths of Grief as found in The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. To read part 1, click HERE. To read part 2, click HERE. For part 3, click HERE. For part 4, click HERE.

Welcome back to my blog series on the 6 Myths of Grief. Today we've reached Grief Myth #5 Be Strong for Others.

The idea that we need to be strong for others is nearly always born out of love and concern for the other person, so it can be easy to wonder why this would be a problem. I'll show you a few ways that this way of thinking can be harmful.

First, I want to clarify something. If you are being supportive and strong for someone who is experiencing a loss that you have no personal stake in, that is not what I'm talking about here. For example, if your next-door neighbor's mother dies, you may feel sad for her and want to listen and try to offer comfort, but if you didn't know her mother, you wouldn't necessarily be grieving too. That kind of support is not what I mean.

I'm referring to when you've also experienced a loss. This is very common in families where everyone loses the same person. An example of this would be adult siblings who lose a parent. There may be one sibling who has always taken more of a caretaker role and feels they have to be the strong one for the other siblings, even though they are also experiencing a significant loss. In families, we are here to support each other and take turns leaning on each other. But if you are always the one everyone is leaning on and never the one being allowed to lean -- or never allowing yourself to lean on others, that's where things get tricky.

It's not uncommon to receive advice from others to "be strong" for someone. Let's say your maternal grandmother passes away, and your dad says, "You kids need to be strong for your mother." His concern is with his wife's grief and his desire for everyone to rally around and support her. This is an act of love from him. What happens, though, is it places grief in a hierarchy where your mom's grief is the most important. Without realizing it, people who advise you to be strong for someone else are saying that your grief doesn't matter as much. All grief is different because we are all different people with different relationships, but all grief is felt at 100% for that particular loss. Placing grief in a hierarchy doesn't help anyone feel better. Your mom will need love and support, but so do you.

When we are constantly being strong for others, we don't permit ourselves to feel our own grief. We are afraid to let our guard down and process our emotions because we must stay strong for someone else. Their grief becomes more important, and we are stuck with a lot of feelings that we can't do anything with. Emotion creates energy in our bodies. That energy needs to go somewhere -- that's why crying can be cathartic or why running or other physical exertion can help us feel better. We can also try to keep that energy at bay with other short-term releases that aren't as healthy for us, like overeating, substance abuse, or escapism through our phones, television, or video games. The problem is that those things only help us feel better in the short term; they don't serve to resolve our grief.

So, if you are a parent, how do you manage this? Aren't you supposed to be strong for your kids? Yes, and no. Let me explain. As a parent, your role is to be the emotional leader in your family. Let's go back to the scenario of a grandparent dying. As a parent, you want to be strong enough to support your children through losing their grandparent. It's okay to show them support while also sharing your emotions. "I am sad, too. Grandma was my mom, and I'm really going to miss her." It's okay for your kids to see you cry and experience emotion. You are allowing your own grief while allowing them to express theirs. It's also a great idea to pattern for them how you are processing your grief. "When I really miss talking to Grandma, I write her a letter and put it in a special box. Would you like to draw a picture for her?" or "When I'm sad, I like to go on a walk and talk with Dad. Would you like to go on a walk with me?" You don't want to make them feel like they can't ever talk about Grandma because it will make you sad. Or to put your grief in a hierarchy by saying, "I know you're sad about Grandma, but she was my mom! Imagine how much more sad I am!" 

It is also never okay to put your child in a situation above their emotional capacity to handle in order to give yourself emotional support. Your child's job is to be a child, not your outlet. Letting them see you cry is healthy. Allowing them to witness a complete emotional breakdown is not. Children should not be the person you choose to confide in, vent to, or ruminate with. You never want to put your child in the position of having to be strong for you. I have worked with quite a few adult clients who experienced significant losses as a child and never worked through them because they had to be strong for their parent. This is very damaging to their emotional development and can carry lifelong consequences. If you are grieving, it's likely your child is, too. Grief is complicated, and if you can't be the support for your child because you are struggling yourself, you need to find someone who can support them. But above all, never ever put your child in the position of having to be strong for you.

I hope you can tell that I'm not telling you not to care or love and support other people when I say that the belief that we need to be strong for others is a myth. We need each other! And, sometimes we do have to be strong for other people because they need us to be and because we love them and want to support them -- it's an amazing gift we can give to people we love. We need to make sure that we are meeting our own emotional needs and not suppressing our grief to be strong for someone else. You can support and be supported. Your grief matters, too.