Grief on TV

A while back one of my daughters started watching Grey's Anatomy from the beginning, and I got sucked into watching it with her. I used to watch this show for a few years when it first came out, but the drama got to be too much for me, and I stopped.  Great British Baking Show hits my perfect level of drama and peril in a TV show, ha ha! I've got a very low tolerance!

Anyway, watching a second time around has felt less perilous because I already know what's going to happen -- at least on the seasons I had watched years ago. One particular episode (Season 6, episode 2) had a grief theme. One doctor was very sick with cancer and seemed likely to die, while another doctor was in a bad accident and did die. The remaining characters on the show were obviously devastated and grieving.  My ears perked up when I heard them narrate the following:

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.

It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.

And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.

That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.

By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.

So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.

The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.

The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.

And let it go when we can.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.

And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance."

Good, right? I especially like that second line about how it isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. So true!

They really had me with this ... until that last part about the 5 stages of grief. For the purposes of the show they highlighted how 5 different characters responded to what was going on in those 5 ways -- one representing denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But real life grief doesn't work that way.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross came up with the 5 stages of grief for people who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, and somewhere along the way we decided we were applying it to all grief everywhere for everyone. And that's not how it works.

You may experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance, and you may not. You may feel some of them, but not all. You may experience depression, then anger. People can really get caught up in trying to determine what stage of grief they're in, and then get really confused when the cycle isn't going in order or we can't pinpoint where we are. And then we just feel like we are doing grief wrong. David Kessler, who has continued in Kübler-Ross's stead, even argues there is a 6th stage of grief, which is finding meaning. Interesting to think about. I think it's human nature for our brains to try to find meaning for what is happening in our lives. But, what if you never find meaning? Does that mean your grief is unresolved forever? Other people argue that the 6th stage is fear or anxiety.

Let's let go of those 5 or 6 stages, and go back to that very first sentence from Grey's Anatomy because that's the real key:  "Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone." Don't try to fit yourself or others into a formula of what grief "should" look like. Remember, it's your grief, your heart, your timeline.