There is No Good Card for This
Has this ever happened to you? Someone you care about is going through a hard time -- a loss, an unexpected and unwelcome change, or a difficult diagnosis -- and you want to bring them comfort. But you just don't know what to say. And then you become so consumed with finding the exact perfect thing to say. You are filled with fear about the possibility of saying the wrong thing. And then time just passes, and you haven't said anything at all. And then it seems like it's been too long. You feel bad. Maybe even embarrassed. Will bringing it up be awkward? Will it be more painful to the person if you say something now rather than pretending like everything is fine? Or maybe you ended up saying something trite like "thoughts and prayers" when your heart was much more full than that, but you didn't know how to put it into words? I think most of us have been there.
Having emotional conversations can be hard. But here are two things you should know:
There are no magic words. Nothing you will say is going to take away whatever heartache this person is experiencing. So, take the pressure off yourself. Once the pressure is gone from having to say the perfect thing, it's easier to think of a thoughtful or kind thing to say.
As long as you are well-meaning and obviously trying to be kind, saying nothing is almost always more hurtful than something you might say. So even if it's not profound or beautiful, say something kind.
Here are a few more helpful hints.
Anything that begins with the phrase "At least..." is not the right thing to say. The reason for that is that anything that follows "at least" is something they already know. And whether we realize it or not, saying "at least" is an attempt to solve someone's grief with logic. "At least he didn't suffer." "At least you got time to say goodbye." "At least you know you can get pregnant." "At least you found out before you married him." Believe me, their brains have already suggested these thoughts to them, and while they may be absolutely true, they don't take away the pain. These phrases are all well-meaning, but they are not well-received. Grief is not logical, it's emotional.
In the same vein, try to refrain from the "shoulds". "You should visit her grave." "You should get out of the house more." "You should just try dating again." "You should try journaling/yoga/meditation/exercise, etc." Just because something was valuable or helpful to you doesn't mean it will be for someone else. Nobody likes to feel bossed or like people are trying to fix them. Instead try, "I'm going on a hike tomorrow morning, would you like to come with me?" and let them decide without any pressure from you. Maybe it will be just what they needed. Maybe they will decide not to. Let it be okay.
It's also not helpful to say, "I know how you feel." You don't. Every person is different. Every relationship is different. Just because you lost your mother, doesn't mean you know how it feels when your friend loses hers. Even siblings grieving the same parent can feel differently about the loss. You may have been devastated during your own divorce, while a friend may feel relieved and unburdened. Don't assume. Instead try, "When I got divorced I felt so hurt and blindsided by it, what has this been like for you?" And then just listen. It's hard not to interject our own experiences, but sometimes we get carried away and make it more about us than the person we care about, and that doesn't end up feeling good for either of us.
Book Recommendation
I recently read a book called "There Is No Good Card for This" by Kelsey Crowe, Ph.D., and Emily McDowell. The subtitle is "What to Say and Do when Life Is Scary and Awful to People You Love." It is an excellent guide for just this situation. This book is full of practical advice for gifts, acts of service, and most importantly what to say (and what not to say!) to people you car about who are going through tough stuff. We all want to be that person who knows just what to say and do. Unfortunately, it doesn't always come naturally. This book helps in a delightful way. And that's why it's October's recommended reading!
Kelsey Crowe is a cancer survivor, has a Ph.D. in social work, and founded Empathy Bootcamp.
Emily McDowell has a line of greeting cards and other fun items over at Em and Friends. Her cards are so real and unique. I just love them. For example one says, "Please let me be the first to punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reason. I'm sorry you are going through this." They are the perfect sentiments for helping people feel really seen during difficult times.
This book is a valuable resource for learning how to better support the people we love with greater empathy and caring. Can't recommend it highly enough!
