Grief Is A Healthy Response to Loss

Grief is a universal human experience. It’s the normal and natural response to loss. None of us get through our lives untouched by it. But, losing someone or something we love can be so intense and so painful — unlike anything we’ve ever felt before — and so it can make us feel like something is deeply wrong with us. I’m arguing here that grief is deeply right. It’s awful and heart-wrenching, and you wouldn’t wish it on anyone — but it’s how we were built to process loss.

In her book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, psychologist Lisa Damour says, “Mental health is not about feeling good. Instead, it’s about having the right feelings at the right time and being able to manage those feelings effectively. Not that there’s such a thing as a “wrong” feeling; what we’re getting at here is whether emotions make sense and are proportional giving the situation.”

While grief can exacerbate existing mental health conditions, and grief we don’t deal with can instigate the development of depression, anxiety, and sometimes PTSD, grief itself is not a mental health disorder. It’s the normal and natural response to experiencing loss that is personally significant to us. Referring to Lisa Damour’s quote, it’s the right feeling at the right time.

Understanding Grief

I like to share a few favorite definitions of grief when trying to help others understand grief.

I’ve stated this one above, but it bears repeating: Grief is the normal and natural response to personally significant loss of any kind.

According to the Grief Recovery Institute, grief is also the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or with a change in a familiar pattern of behavior.

I also like this definition, which I found in Ross Gay’s book Inciting Joy. Grief is the way we metabolize change.

Grief manifests itself uniquely in every person. I like to say your experience may vary, but comparing your grief to someone else’s is not helpful because every relationship and every grief response is very different.

Grief does not follow steps or stages in a timely order. It is not a linear experience where we begin to feel a bit better day by day. There are ups and downs to be expected. There’s also no set timeline associated with grief.

Grief can be all-encompassing and affect multiple aspects of our well-being: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and social. The brain prioritizes the energy it uses to process grief so that other systems can be taxed.

How Grief Affects Mental Health

It’s common to experience a range of emotions as we grieve, including sadness, anger, confusion, anxiety, guilt, and more. Grief has a profound impact on our brains. It is an intensely stressful experience that produces a stress response in the brain. The energy required often leaves us fatigued, irritable, or unable to concentrate. We can also have difficulty focusing on simple tasks or experience brain fog.

The emotional tax on our brains can also cause physical symptoms, such as sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and lowered immune system response.

All of these things can impact our daily functioning, but they are normal and to be expected. They also usually dissipate as grief subsides.

If we have pre-existing mental health conditions, grief may exacerbate those because the extra stress on the brain leaves minimal capacity for coping. Please be in close contact with your doctor or therapist if this is the case. If you are ever experiencing thoughts of harming yourself, please call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

Distinguishing Grief from Mental Health Disorders

While grief is not a pathology on its own, it can cause us to feel deep sadness, anger, and anxiety. So, how do we distinguish that from mental health conditions? It can be tricky, but here are a few guidelines.

• Grief tends to evolve and change over time. Time does not heal all wounds, but grief does evolve as time passes. The waves of grief will typically decrease in intensity over time.

• Grief has a clear cause. It’s not just something that sneaks up for no reason when you have not experienced a loss. Mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, on the other hand, can develop without a precipitating external event.

• The pain of grief often accompanies positive memories of your lost loved one, so there can be a mix of various conflicting emotions going on.

• Grief can eventually lead to finding meaning and personal growth, leading to a greater appreciation for your life and the people in it.

Supporting Mental Health While Grieving

We can support our mental health while grieving by taking care of ourselves physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. This can be difficult to do in the depths of grief, but any way you can support your brain at this time will be beneficial.

Some of this self-care might look like daily movement, spending time in nature — even in a park or backyard, prioritizing sleep, nutritional support, meditation, journaling, and spending time with people who feed your soul. That human connection is so important!

When to Seek Professional Support

First, there is no wrong time to seek professional support if you want or need it. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness or poor mental health. It is a way to care for yourself and move forward with healthy coping tools.

Some other signals that professional support could be a benefit are:

• Intense emotional pain that doesn’t lessen with time

• Inability to engage with the people in your life, your interests or hobbies, or responsibilities like household maintenance and work

• Difficulties looking to the future or making plans

• Persistent feelings of emotional numbness or emptiness

• Strong feelings of guilt or self-blame

• Feelings of being stuck or unable to move forward even when you want to

Grief can be complicated by traumatic events leading to your loss or pre-existing mental health conditions.

I am certified to use the Grief Recovery Method with my clients. One thing I love about it is that it is evidence-based, which means studies have shown it has a therapeutic effect—meaning people who go through the program feel better afterward. The method helps you learn about grief in general and how to deal with grief individually. It also teaches you tools to process the emotions that grief brings. This process helps you move forward in your life with more resilience and tools to manage life’s difficulties.

Please set up a free consultation call with me HERE. I’ll be able to give you a better understanding of what I offer my clients or point you to different resources if we are not a good fit. For example, I may refer to a trauma therapist at times.

Just because grief isn’t a mental health disorder doesn’t mean you can’t truly benefit from getting support in navigating it. It can be life-changing.

Note for transparency: The links to the two books I mentioned are my affiliate links for Bookshop.org. This means if you purchase these books through my link, I may receive a small commission.