The Healing Power of Being Present: Supporting Your Loved Ones Through Grief
Grief can be one of the most isolating experiences we endure. Author Steven Erickson wrote, “Grief isolates, and every ritual, every gesture, every embrace, is a hopeless effort to break through that isolation.”
We heal through connection with other people, so it’s crucial that when we want to support people we care about who are grieving, we show up and be present in their pain. It’s easy to feel uncertain about how to support grieving people — what to say, when to say it, and how much to be in contact. It can become such a question that we often resort to doing or saying nothing at all, and most grievers report that is the most hurtful thing.
The Gift of Presence
So, what does being present really mean in terms of supporting someone who is grieving? Being present means offering your genuine attention without trying to fix the grieving person’s experience. It’s sitting with them in their pain, not trying to pull them out of it, cheer them up, or offer a bright side. Presence doesn’t mean you have to entertain them or be with them 24/7. It can mean sharing comfortable silence while doing an activity or just sitting together.
Being present doesn’t necessarily require you to be physically in the same place (though that makes it easier). You can also be a powerful presence of support for someone long distance through phone calls, emails, video chats, etc. If you are able to be physically present, that can be very comforting. Offering a hug, a shoulder to lean on, or a hand to hold can help someone feel less alone in a concrete way.
Being present also means staying engaged long after the initial wave of support has passed. Many grieving people report that months 3-6 after a loss are the most lonely. Continuing to reach out, using their loved one’s name, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, sharing stories, inviting people, and including them after the grief is no longer fresh is something that people really need.
Being present also means staying attuned to your loved one’s changing needs over time. Maybe at first, they need your quiet companionship at home or running errands. Where later on, they may need to be invited to get out of the house and have greater social interaction. This will not be the same for each person, so it’s important to pay attention and not box them into one kind of support. The kind of support they need early on may be very different from what they need months or years down the road. Follow their lead.
Common Barriers to Being Present
There are three common barriers to being present with someone who is grieving. The first is being unsure of what to say. I share this kind of content on my social media accounts every week if you’d like to follow along for specific advice. Instagram HERE. And Facebook HERE. But there are a few good rules to remember.
There are no magic words. So don’t wait to find the perfect thing to say. Just say something kind.
Avoid starting any sentence with the words “At least…”. What comes after “at least” is never actually comforting.
Avoid giving advice unless specifically asked. Grievers get bossed around, and no one likes to be told what they “should” be doing.
Avoid making it about you by comparing your loss, saying you know how they feel, or making them have to comfort you.
The second barrier to being present is that we can often feel uncomfortable with other people’s raw pain. We feel helpless when we aren’t able to fix difficult situations. People’s pain can remind us of our own past losses or of our vulnerability to experiencing pain in the future. Other people’s pain can confront and challenge our view that the world should be fair or that life should make sense. And we can be afraid of doing something wrong that will cause even more hurt.
So, how do we get past that? It’s helpful to try to shift our mindset. Pain is a natural part of our human existence; it’s not something to be fixed. Taking the pressure off yourself of needing to fix the situation or their reaction to it, can allow us just to be present. You can’t take away their pain, but you can help them feel less alone in it. Recognizing that your discomfort is a sign of your humanity because it means you have empathy for another person’s suffering can help you feel more connected. Each time you choose to stay present instead of turning away from someone’s pain, you can grow stronger in your empathy skills.
The third barrier to being present is the urge to solve problems or offer solutions. When we do this without being asked, we signal to the person that we are trying to comfort that their emotions are not acceptable and that we are trying to hurry them into healing so that we can be more comfortable. Remember, this is not yours to fix. You are there to support.
What Grieving People Say They Need
It might be helpful to know that while each individual feels grief in a unique way, there are some common things that grieving people say that they need.
Permission to grieve in their own way, in their own timeline, without pressure to “get over it” or “move on”.
Acknowledgment of their loss and remembering their deceased loved one. People report that it can be very hurtful when we just talk around their loss and never acknowledge it.
After the initial big wave of flowers, meals, cards, etc., support wears off. People move on, but the person grieving is still really in the depths of their pain.
Practical support without having to reach out. If you say, “Let me know if you need anything!”, chances are you won’t ever hear from them. It’s helpful to make specific offers of support that are not taxing on the grieving person. For example, instead of saying, “Let me know if I can bring dinner,” you could say, “I can bring dinner Tuesday or Thursday this week, which would be better?”
Someone who will listen without judgment when they express strong feelings. Grief can feel messy, with powerful and even conflicting emotions, including sadness, anger, relief, and guilt. Let them know they don’t have to put on a happy face for you to be there with them.
Recognition that grief isn’t linear. Just because they’re okay one day, doesn’t mean they’re over it. Grief is a roller coaster that means one day can be very different than the next.
Space to share memories and stories about their loved ones — even if you’ve heard it all before. Talking about their loved one is a key way to keep them part of their present.
Acknowledgment that grief does not fit into a timeline and that it can be different for every person. Just because your aunt was ready to date again a year after losing her husband doesn’t mean that’s a universal truth. Grief is very individual. There’s no set timeline and no “right way” to grieve.
Keeping these things in mind can help you be more present as you want to support the people you care about who are grieving or going through difficult times. You can be such a gift to someone when they need it. It’s rare to find someone who can support us well, but it’s something we all need. We can all do a better job supporting our fellow human beings during our most trying times.
