The Myths of the Five Stages of Grief
I would venture to say that most people have heard of the Five Stages of Grief. Whether they can name them or not is another matter, but the concept of grief having five stages is familiar. The problem comes when we internalize the five-stage model and then find that we don’t quite fit into it, or when we try to fit someone else’s grief into it.
The Five Stages of Grief were introduced in psychiatrist and death researcher Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s book On Death and Dying in 1969. The Five Stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
Let’s briefly look at each of the Five Stages.
Denial is the feeling that “this can’t be true!” It’s a protective mechanism as the brain adjusts to a new, unwanted reality.
Anger - This one is a little more obvious — we are angry about what happened — why me?
Bargaining - You would do anything for this not to be your reality.
Depression - Reality begins to set in along with feelings of sadness and hopelessness.
Acceptance - You accept the reality of your loss and begin to be able to move forward.
This model of grief is influential — it’s everywhere. Unfortunately, it is often misunderstood and misapplied, which causes more harm than good. Let’s look at the myths about The Five Stages and how misunderstanding them can keep us stuck.
Myth #1: The Five Stages Were Intended for All Grief
This is myth #1 for a reason! Dr. Kübler-Ross wrote this model of grief for people who were facing their own death due to terminal illness. She never intended it to be applied to all types of grief. And you can see the stages make more sense when applied this way.
If I receive a terminal diagnosis, I could feel denial — this couldn’t happen to me; I’m healthy. Anger - how could this be happening to me? I’ve always taken good care of myself. I have children who need me. Bargaining - I’ll make sacrifices with time or resources or my behavior to have this taken away. Depression - this is really happening; I am so sad. Acceptance - I’m ready to live out the rest of my time, knowing it’s coming to an end quicker than I hoped.
Dr. Kübler-Ross herself regretted that these five stages were misapplied to all grief. Her research into the 5 stages was all anecdotally based and not evidence-based. Further studies have not shown these to be universal stages. So always remember that grief and how you experience it is unique to you, your loss, and your relationship to who or what you’ve lost.
Myth #2: Stages of Grief Come in a Predictable, Linear Order
In a Rolling Stone article, musician Nick Cave said, “Grief proportioned into orderly stages does not make sense, on any level. Grief, like love, is a mess.” Grief is messy. You feel all over the place. So when we expect that we are going to go through the grieving process in neat, predictable stages and then we don’t, we feel like there’s something wrong with us.
We can also feel frustrated with our progress if we constantly chart where we are “supposed” to be or wait for that elusive next stage to begin. It might be more comforting to feel like, “I only have to get through 2 more stages, and then this will be over!” but that’s not how it works. Grief is full of ups and downs and times when you feel like you are taking steps backward instead of forward. That is all normal, and knowing this helps us not feel like we are doing it wrong.
Myth #3: Everyone Experiences All Five Stages
I once had a client tell me they were going through the stages of grief, but they hadn’t felt angry yet, so they were just waiting to feel angry so they could move forward. Again, this idea of going through each stage in a defined way makes us feel like we are doing it wrong when that’s not how it presents for us.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance are all things you may experience on your grief journey, but you may not experience all of them, and you will almost certainly not experience them in a prescriptive order.
Myth #4: Completing The Stages Means You’re “Done” with Grief
Wouldn’t it be nice if this were how grief worked? You complete all five stages, and you’re good—never having to feel grief again—over and done with. Sadly, that isn’t how grief works in our lives. Instead, grief grows and changes with us. In fact, it is now seen as healthy to think of our relationship with the deceased not ending but just changing as it continues.
The danger of misunderstanding the five stages of grief and then thinking we are done with it is that when that doesn’t happen, we feel like we are doing grief wrong or that something is wrong with us because we haven’t found closure. This can also put us in a box in terms of how our family and friends perceive our grief. Remember, there is no timeline for grief.
Myth #5: If You Don’t Follow The Stages, You’re Grieving Wrong
This last one really ties into all the others. Our disappointment in ourselves (and others) ties into where our expectations fail to meet reality. So when we expect to grieve in neat, orderly stages, and then at the end find ourselves completely done grieving, we will feel out of sorts and like we are a mess if it doesn’t work like that. I can’t tell you how often someone will come to me for a client consultation and say, “I’m such a mess!”
You are not a mess. Grief is a mess. You aren’t doing it wrong. It’s as individual as your fingerprint.
If you’d like personalized 1-on-1 support to help you navigate your loss, sign up for a free consultation with me HERE.
