Grief and Holiday Shopping
Navigating Grief in the Gift-Giving Season
That moment when a sentimental Christmas song plays over the speaker and brings you to sudden tears right there in the store. Or, you’re browsing the shops and finding the perfect gift only to be smacked with the realization that they aren’t here anymore to give it to. Or maybe it’s the reminder that so many other people are out and about, filled with joy and celebration while you are trudging through the season wearing a heavy coat of grief that you can’t take off. For many of us, holiday shopping can add weight to our grief, so let’s talk about some ways to make it easier.
When you’re grieving, you can find yourself split into two spaces — one where you are grieving and the other where the world has gone on like nothing has happened. It can be a disorienting and upsetting place to be when we feel like we have to straddle both worlds. Holiday shopping can be one of those experiences where it feels like a lot of work to manage both worlds. The holidays can be full of reminders of our grief anyway! If you’ve loved holiday shopping in the past, it can also be a reminder that many of your favorite activities are less enjoyable in grief. Grief robs us of a lot of our fun.
Unexpected Triggers
Holiday shopping can trigger unexpected grief. Holiday music is playing everywhere, and maybe you hear a sad song that brings you to tears, your loved one’s favorite carol, or a song you loved to hate together (I’m looking at you, Barbra Streisand’s version of Jingle Bells!). Music is so tied to memory and emotions.
Holiday gifts can also be a tangible reminder that your loved one is not here to give or receive gifts. Seeing that perfect gift and feeling a pang of heartbreak, avoiding their favorite store, or having to shop alone instead of in their company can also be painful. Sometimes, a loss we experience means our income is not the same as before, and we can’t afford to spend the way we used to.
Practical Coping Strategies
Maybe you can opt out of holiday shopping altogether, but if you can’t or don’t want to, here are some coping strategies you can employ.
Make a detailed shopping list to stay organized. Use a notebook or the notes app on your phone (I like this method because then I don’t misplace it!), or there are even Christmas gift apps you can download. Your brain is busy grieving, and it’s hard to keep track of everything for the holidays even when you aren’t. Take some of the load off your memory, and make a really good list so you don’t have to worry about missing something or someone important to you.
Shop online if the stores feel overwhelming. We live in a time when it’s pretty easy to do all your shopping from the ease of your computer on your couch in comfy clothes. Whether it’s avoiding crowds or the holiday sights and sounds, this can be a good option if you feel you need to control your environment.
If you are triggered by Christmas music, wear headphones or discreet earbuds when you are out and about running errands. You can listen to a podcast, audiobook, or music that you know will be a comfort or a distraction instead of a reason to cry.
Set time limits for shopping trips and take breaks. If you feel like this will be overwhelming, maybe planning a full day of shopping is not the best idea. Or maybe you want to get it over in one swoop. There’s no right or wrong way — whatever feels best for you this year. Remember, you don’t have to do things like you did in the past. You can choose to change things up at any time.
Bring a supportive friend. It can be nice to have someone there who you can bounce ideas off of or just to feel support and companionship as you do something difficult. It can be hard to reach out and connect while we are grieving, but it’s a lonely time, and we really do need that connection with people we love.
Honoring Their Memory
We often talk about retail therapy in a joking way, but what if we found some ways that shopping could be healing this holiday season?
You could shop for a special memorial ornament or holiday decorative keepsake that will be a beautiful reminder of them for years to come.
You could use the funds you would have bought a gift for them with and make a donation in their name to a favorite charity or cause.
You could purchase gifts for others that remind them of their shared memories with your loved one.
You could find an angel tree or other organization to buy gifts for children who otherwise would not receive gifts. You could do this in their name or purchase something they would have loved to have given to this child or received when they were that child’s age.
Taking Care of You
I know, you’re the last one on your list, but I’m going to strongly encourage you to make time to take care of yourself, too, this holiday season.
Recognize that grief ebbs and flows; some days will be more challenging than others. That’s normal.
Give yourself permission to skip certain stores or in-person shopping if it’s just too overwhelming.
Eat and drink and rest! We often don’t want to stop and slow down to do these things when we are shopping, but your body needs the support — especially with all the work your brain is doing to grieve. And it is work!
Acknowledge that feeling grief and joy during the holidays is okay. They don’t cancel each other out. It’s not betraying the memory of your loved one if you find moments of joy.
Remember, there’s no right way to handle the holidays when you are grieving, so don’t let anybody tell you you’re doing it wrong. Give yourself grace and find ways to honor what you need — the pace you need to go, the budget you need to work with, and the time you need to spend. Preserve your peace and savor moments of joy that find their way to you.
If you find the holidays are bringing up grief you thought was resolved, now is a great time to schedule a consultation to see if working together might be right for you. Schedule a free consultation call with me HERE.
