Dealing with Well-Meaning but Hurtful Comments When You Are Grieving

Over the weekend, I was reading a book in which the main character’s mother had died. Three days later, her boyfriend is trying to cheer her up, and he says, “At least you weren’t close.” She responds, “What’s that supposed to mean?” And he says, “It’s not like you were best friends like some mothers and daughters.”

Ugh. How is that supposed to make her feel better?

In my client work as a grief specialist, we talk about these unhelpful comments people make to us when we’re grieving. Every single client I work with has a story of something hurtful someone said to them. Sadly, it’s usually a comment from a family member, a close friend, or someone they attend church with — so really, the people who should treat us with the most loving kindness.

So what’s going on here?

I genuinely believe that most hurtful comments come from well-meaning people. Of course, there are outliers to this. But I think most people do not want to kick us when we’re down or be the person you remember forever for saying the very worst thing. So why does this keep happening?

I think there are a few things at work here:

1. They actually have no idea what to say. Despite being a universal human experience, people generally don’t know much about grief and how it works. So they repeat something that had been told to them in the past, or they use a trite phrase that they’ve heard a million times but haven’t ever really thought about how it comes across.

2. They are uncomfortable with you being sad. So they work on dismissing your emotions, sometimes with comments, sometimes by creating distance.

3. They care about you so much and don’t want you to be sad. So they try to highlight all the silver linings and things you can be grateful for to lessen the sadness.

The problem with these comments is that we can internalize them, decide they mean we are not grieving right, or feel like our emotions are not valid or are too dramatic to be acceptable to other people. And it’s also a lot of work to appreciate their good intentions while also processing our pain — from our loss and their unfortunate comment.

Strategies for Coping

1. Acknowledge your feelings. It can be a tricky space to navigate when someone has said something that really stings, and yet we know they didn’t intend to cause us pain. We can feel guilty for being upset about it. But it’s okay to feel hurt by something that wasn’t meant to be painful. You don’t need to add to your pain by feeling guilty for having a normal emotional reaction. Mixed feelings are a big part of grief, and they can also be part of your reaction to people’s comments.

   One way to deal with this is to journal. You can use the prompt: “When they said { big, dumb thing}, I felt {mad/sad/scared/betrayed/etc.} because {you fill it in}. This can give you space to explore those feelings and get them out of your brain and onto paper. Sometimes, this is enough to move past it.

   Occasionally, those comments can cause us to feel strong emotions, whether sadness, anger, shame, or something else. It can be helpful to try to get those emotions out by doing something physical, whether it’s crying, venting to a friend, going for a run, punching a pillow, hitting your mattress with a tennis racquet, etc. It can be helpful to just get it out instead of sitting and thinking about it over and over again.

2. Set boundaries when needed. It’s okay to take a break when conversations are overwhelming. You can say things like, “I need to step out and get some air.” Or, if you’re up to it, you can be more direct and say, “Thank you for caring about me, but I’m not up to talking about this right now.”

   It’s also okay to ask a trusted friend or family member to run interference for you. They can tell people ahead of time, “Hey, {Name} is going through this but doesn’t want to be reached out to right now.” or “{Name} is planning to come to our dinner party on Friday, but she doesn’t want to talk about what she’s going through, so it would help her be more comfortable if you don’t bring up this or that.”

   Suppose you are worried about a specific person at a gathering who may not be receptive to suggestions to leave you alone. In that case, you can have a friend help you dodge conversation opportunities with that person. Or have a friend who is good at thinking on their feet be prepared to redirect conversations that are going wrong.

3. Prepare responses ahead of time (and practice them!). Sometimes, comments from people come, and we are so taken aback by them that it’s hard to respond. If you can anticipate some things people might say, you can go into the conversation with less anxiety because you know what you will say. Here are a few kind but firm responses for you to try:

   For someone full of suggestions: “Thank you for trying to help. Right now, I’m just taking this day by day.”

   For someone pushing their faith: “I appreciate your testimony (or your faith). I’m still working on processing this in my own way.”

   For someone comparing their grief story to yours: “That has not been my experience. Everyone’s grief journey is different.”

   For someone determined to have you see the bright side: “I know things will get easier eventually, but right now it’s tough, and I think it’s supposed to be, and that’s okay.”

   These suggestions are certainly not all-inclusive and are just to give you some ideas. You can come up with your own based on your own experiences.

4. Practice self-protection without self-isolation. An easy way to avoid hearing unwanted comments is to never be around people, but that’s not good advice. But grief is isolating enough as it is. We need each other! Self-isolation feels protective, but it’s not ultimately helpful.

   So here are a few ideas of how to do this.

   Be choosy about which invitations you accept and how long you plan to stay. Maybe keep visits short initially and see how it goes.

   Create a code word or a signal to friends that tells them, “I need to get out of this situation!”

   Have an escape plan or excuse ready for when a situation becomes unexpectedly overwhelming. That way, you aren’t scrambling for a made-up reason to leave.

5. Educate them if you feel up to it. I feel strongly that the work of educating people on what’s not helpful in grief should not fall to people who are grieving. Grieving people don’t need the additional burden. This is why one of my missions on social media is to educate people on how to better support people who are grieving. But, if you have the inclination and the energy, you can speak up and explain a few things. This could look like having a conversation or sharing an Instagram or blog post about helpful grief support methods.

   If you’re comfortable doing so, you can be upfront about how their comment affected you. This may or may not be received well, but sometimes, it’s helpful or at least eye-opening for people to know how their comments land.

6. Maintain perspective while still validating your feelings. Remember that while you don’t owe anyone forgiveness or understanding for their hurtful comments, most of these unhelpful jabs come from someone who means well. They care, but they don’t know how to show it, or they don’t understand grief, so they think they are doing or saying the right thing. Accepting that some people just don’t get it or won’t try to understand can feel disappointing and hurtful, but know there is no right way to do grief. Your experience will be as unique as you are, and your relationship to what you’ve lost was.

   Next Steps

   Sometimes, talking these things out with someone who can give you a professional perspective can be helpful. If you are struggling to deal with the well-meaning but hurtful comments by people in your life, I’d love to support you through that. Set up a consultation call with me HERE to find out more about what working together would look like.