Three Ways We Make Grief Harder
Grief is an inevitable and often overwhelming emotion that can leave us feeling lost and alone. It’s one of the most difficult human experiences. Unfortunately, we may also unknowingly make the grieving process more difficult for ourselves.
In this post, we will explore three common ways we unintentionally add to our own grief and provide tips for making the healing process a little bit easier.
Three Ways We Make Grief Harder
Trying to suppress our emotions.
The strong emotions of grief can make us feel out of control, and that is not a good feeling, especially when our world seems to have turned upside down.
We feel like if we are “holding it all together” we are more in control. I once had a client tell me that she thought if she started crying, she would never be able to stop. I understand the fear of surrendering to our emotions, but it’s only when we let ourselves feel them that we can process and move through them.
I love this quote from Maya Angelou, "If it's bad, it might get worse, but I know that it's going to be better. And you have to know that. There's a country song out now, which I wish I'd written, that says, 'Every storm runs out of rain. ' I'd make a sign of that if I were you.”
Let yourself feel and process, knowing it won’t feel this way forever. The only way to get through grief is to move through it.
Neglecting self-care and engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms.
When I talk about self-care, I’m not talking about getting a pedicure. Though, if that makes you feel good and taken care of, then absolutely go for it!
When I refer to self-care in grief, I mean the very basics of care. It may seem ridiculous to say, “You need to eat.” But those simple necessary activities can easily fall by the wayside when we are grieving.
Grief is intensely stressful on our brains. Trying to support our brain in its overwhelming work of grieving is important. We can work to support our brain by taking care of our bodies, so we aren’t adding additional strain. You know that on any normal day if you are tired and hungry, everything seems harder. It’s doubly true in grief.
The basics of sleep, nutrition, movement, and sunshine on your face are the ultimate in self-care. Setting boundaries is self-care, too. (I have a blog post about self-care during the holidays that you can find HERE. The principles apply any time of year.)
It can be tempting to slip into unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol or drug use, or really any other STERB (Short-Term Energy Releasing Behavior) in an attempt to feel better. But that’s a temporary fix, and not true self-care. Find out more about STERBS in my blog post HERE.
Having unrealistic expectations of how the grief process will go for you.
We see it in movies and on TV. We see it in people around us. We hear about the 5 stages of grief and try to pinpoint where exactly we are. But here’s the thing: grief is as individual as your fingerprint.
Your grieving process may look different than your friend’s at work. It may even look different from everyone else in your family. And it’s surely not going to be a neat 5-step process. And that’s okay. Getting stuck in what grief should look like can keep us from moving forward.
So when we think we should be feeling better by a certain point in time or think we should be handling this better than we are, it can feel like we are doing it wrong. You can’t do it wrong. It’s hard and messy and all over the place, and that’s okay. Having compassion for yourself and your grieving process is really helpful.
Grief stretches us in painful ways. We don’t need to add suffering to our experience by suppressing emotions, neglecting self-care, or having harsh expectations for ourselves (or for others!).
If you need support in your grief, find out more HERE. Please reach out for a free consultation today to see if working together is right for you. You can schedule that zoom call HERE.
