The Conflicting Emotions of Grief
The Grief Recovery Institute defines grief as "the conflicting emotions that come at the end of or with a change in a familiar pattern of behavior." I like this definition because it encompasses so much more than grief being the sadness we feel when someone dies. Grief is so much more than that from an emotional perspective. Over 40 different life events cause us to experience grief, so this expansive definition of grief is more in line with our human experience.
When we are grieving, we probably expect that we will feel sad. So, when we feel other emotions like guilt, anger, relief, or regret, we may wonder what is going on. When we understand that grief is all these emotions combined, it makes more sense, and then we can lose that "what is wrong with me?" feeling that only makes everything more complicated.
Let's use a fictional case study to get a picture of what this can look like.
Susan has lost her father, George, to cancer. George and Susan had a close bond that became even closer after Susan's mother died. Susan lived near George and was a daily part of his life. Susan has one brother named Dave, who lives across the country. They have a good relationship but don't see each other often because of distance and family and work responsibilities.
Ten years ago, George had a heart attack, and doctors advised him to make lifestyle changes to improve his cardiac and overall health. George did not like being a patient and felt so much better after his bypass surgery that he didn't feel it was necessary to change much else in his life. When he started noticing some discomfort and other symptoms, he put off getting a checkup because he wasn't excited about going back to the doctor. By the time George went to the doctor, his cancer had advanced, and his treatment options were limited. Susan has a husband and three children at home. Still, she became George's primary caregiver when he became ill because the cost of private caregiving was prohibitive, and Susan had such a close relationship with George. She lived nearby, and her brother Dave could not regularly be absent from his job to fly across the country to help, so it made the most sense, and Susan was willing to take this on.
When George died, Susan was devastated by the loss of her father. She was so sad that he was gone from her and her children's lives. She was sorry that he had suffered so much. She was anguished over the thought that maybe she didn't tell him she loved him the last time he was lucid. She was also completely exhausted by caregiving. She felt like hospice would have done more, but much of the physical burden fell to her. She felt relieved that her dad's suffering had come to an end. She also felt relieved that the physical care was over. Then she felt guilty for feeling that way because wouldn't she give her right arm to have her dad back?
Susan also felt resentful. Her brother was sad about their father's death, but Susan recalled they'd hardly seen him in those last few months. Why should that caregiving have fallen to her alone? She felt shame for feeling that way because, in reality, she knew that Dave would have loved to have been able to spend more time with their dad if he could have and that he was deeply struggling with guilt for not being there. Susan knew her time caring for her dad had taken a toll on her family, and she felt terrible about that. She'd missed soccer games, concerts, and dinners together and felt regret that she would never get that time back. At the same time, she was furious with her husband when he commented that he was glad they were getting her back and hoped they could return to everyday family life.
Susan felt angry at her dad for not taking better care of his health in the years following his heart attack. It could have been a wake-up call that might have brought him more healthful years, but he didn't make that choice. She had the thought that maybe he just didn't love her and Dave enough to try, and that broke her heart. Then, going through her dad's things as she was cleaning out the house, she found a partially completed note her dad had written to thank her for being there for him, and she felt so grateful that she'd had the opportunity to be there for him and felt so much love for him. She also felt feelings of inadequacy in how she was able to care for her dad. She was an artist with no medical training. The hospice nurses taught her how to medicate and care for George, but she was worried she had done something wrong that had somehow made his suffering greater or his death sooner than it would have if someone more qualified had cared for him.
All of these feelings Susan is experiencing are grief. And as you can see, sometimes they conflict. We feel many emotions strongly and all at the same time. It's no wonder grief is so exhausting. It's no wonder it's complicated and not easy to move past. Suppose we expect our emotions to be kind of all over the place. That makes it easier not to judge ourselves for that. Having compassion for yourself (or for others in your life who are grieving and you are trying to understand) is critically important in your healing process.
If you have experienced grief and need help getting complete with all the many emotions it brings, I'd love to help. Find out more about my services HERE, or schedule a free Zoom call consultation HERE.
