Somebody You Used to Know

In grief, we can experience losses that are secondary to our primary loss. For example, if a spouse dies, you can experience a secondary loss of economic security. If a sibling dies, we might experience the secondary loss of shared memory. If we divorce, we might undergo a secondary loss of trust. These secondary losses only happen because of the direct loss and can have a domino-like effect. 

Sometimes we go through a loss in life that is so significant that it changes who we are. Our "new normal" can feel an awful lot like a normal we didn't want or didn't choose. We essentially experience the loss of who we were before. You may feel like somebody that you used to know.

You may have been more carefree before your loss. Maybe faith used to come easily for you, but now it's a struggle. You may look back and feel that the "before you" was naive. The old you might have been more trusting or optimistic. We may not enjoy the same activities, movies, or songs because they remind us of life before our loss. You may be less energetic. You might feel that your life priorities have shifted. There are many ways we can change through our grief.

It can be an unusual feeling to not feel like yourself or not to recognize yourself anymore. So how do we deal with that?

First, recognize that this is part of grief and that it's okay. Acknowledging that you've been through a lot (and it's no wonder you might feel different!) takes away some of the feeling that you're doing this wrong. There is no doing it wrong. Being a human can be hard. Giving yourself some compassion for what you've been through, who you were then, and who you are now is a great place to start.

Second, we find what we are looking for, so try shifting your focus. If you notice all the ways you are different and don't like that, try to focus on the ways you are still the same. You still get joy out of a morning run. You still show up for other people. You still love your favorite band or sleeping in on Saturdays. Whatever it is -- help your brain notice ways you are still the same. The more you make an effort to notice, it will start to become more automatic and will take less effort to focus on. 

Similarly, try to make an effort to focus on what you have gained. This can be hard when we feel like we've lost so much, but it's worth the effort. Maybe you've become more compassionate to other people going through loss. Perhaps you've gained a more precise focus on what you want in your life. Maybe you've been able to set healthy boundaries for the first time in your life. These gains may not be obvious, but they are worth discovering. The "new you" may be stronger and wiser, and more compassionate. 

And last, do the work to process your grief. We often don't realize how much grief is weighing us down, exhausting us, and forcing us to compensate for it in our daily lives. That can change who we are. When we can let go of some of the painful emotions that come with grief, like shame, guilt, and regret, we become more complete, and we can find that maybe a bit more of our "old self" is really there inside after all.

I work with clients using The Grief Recovery Method, an evidence-based program to help people process the emotions of grief and move forward feeling more complete. It's a beautiful way to find yourself again, build resilience, and gain tools for living your best life even through difficult times. You can set up a free Zoom consultation with me HERE.