Snowed Under
When I was younger there was someone in my life who I let push all my buttons. I would so dread these buttons being pushed that every interaction was stressful, but it wasn't just that. I would build up a huge reaction in myself in anticipation of getting my buttons pushed. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this? You come up with a scenario in your head and you play it out (maybe over and over again) and the emotions you work up are actual real emotions -- anger, outrage, sadness, stress, but the conversation is only ever in your head, and maybe never even comes to pass in real life at all. All that worked up emotion for nothing!
There is a song I love by the British band Keane. It's called "Snowed Under" and these are some of the lines.
"I don't know why I waste my time,
Getting hung up about the things you say
When I open my eyes and it's a lovely day,
You know sometimes I feel like I'm,
Getting snowed under with the things you say,
When I open my eyes and it's a lovely day."
It sounds better set to music, trust me. But, the first time I heard this song I felt a little called out by it. I was wasting my time getting hung up about the things this person said (and even things they hadn't said yet). I was giving this person power to snow me under, so to speak, but when I looked around, it really was a lovely day. I realized that most of the angst I had in this relationship was because I was building the angst up in my mind before we'd even had any interaction.
It was about a year ago that I learned the concept that our circumstances are neutral, and it's only our thoughts about our circumstances that decide whether it's positive or negative. Sometimes it still takes work for me to internalize that. But, this is true in our interactions with other people. I have no control over what someone else says to me, but I do have control in how I respond. Now this doesn't mean I have to respond positively -- I can choose to be angry or disappointed or disgusted or whatever. But, it's my choice. I can get snowed under OR I can look around and notice that despite what this person says or might say in the future, it really is a lovely day.
Sometimes with the holiday season comes gatherings with friends and extended family, and with that can come some dread if we have a difficult relationship with someone. We want to have a good experience all together, but you just know that so and so will bring up politics or religion or your current haircut and you just don't want to hear it.
Here are 5 tips on how to handle it.
1. Pregame. No, not that kind of pregame. What I mean is make sure you are in the best shape you can be for this event. If at all possible, get some good sleep the night before -- everything is harder when we are tired. Maybe do a thought download before you go where you write down any thought you are having to get it out of your head. Take time beforehand to think about your family member's good qualities or good memories with them -- it really does help not to focus on the negative, your brain will point that out to you with no effort.
2. There are so many polarizing issues these days. Make certain topics off limits and tell people ahead of time. "We are not discussing politics on Christmas Eve. We already know we don't agree, and I don't want the contention to ruin the spirit of the holiday." Even if you DO agree on politics, sometimes that's not the topic of conversation you want anyway. Then when someone brings up their favorite mayor (wink), you can gently (or not-so-gently depending on the person) remind them about the no politics rule.
3. Expect and prepare. Sometimes you've just got to be realistic. If you know Grandma is going to comment on how you need a haircut because she just can't help herself, decide ahead of time that this will probably happen. But, instead of working yourself up that it's going to happen, make a plan for what you will do when it does. Will you leave the room? Will you change the subject? Will you respond with a joke? Will you give her a hug and say, "thanks for the advice!"? If you expect it and have a plan, you're less likely to be flustered by it.
4. Take a break. This can be tricky, but if you just need a break from the togetherness, take one! Go outside for a few minutes, remember that you need to get something out of your car, volunteer to be the one to go pick up ice, or if all else fails, go into the bathroom and watch something funny on your phone for a bit until you feel like you can take a deep breath and face it again.
5. If there is someone in your life who is truly toxic -- not just annoying, but abusive -- you are not obligated to spend time with that person. Set boundaries to keep yourself safe, even if it ruffles some feathers. If you don't feel you can miss a gathering completely, find an ally that you can share your concerns with and ask that they help you by being a buffer. Keep an exit strategy in mind in case it just isn't working out for you to stay.
Gatherings can be some of the most fun, but also some of the most stressful parts of the holiday season. Keeping in mind the idea that you don't have control over anyone but yourself keeps you in charge of the snow shovel. To paraphrase, no one can snow you under without your permission.
