Grief Myth Number Three: Grieve Alone
This post is part 3 of a blog series exploring the 6 Myths of Grief as found in The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. To read part 1, click HERE. To read part 2, click HERE.
Welcome back to my blog series on the six myths of grief. Today we will be exploring Myth 3: Grieve Alone.
Whenever I take a personality test, I consistently score extremely high on the introvert scale. (Enneagram 9, INFJ here!) So, the idea of grieving alone sounds pretty darn good to me since alone time really does recharge my batteries. I can see how an extroverted person might want and need people around. So how could grieving alone be bad for an introvert like me? Well, there's a difference between being alone to recharge and isolating yourself from others during times of difficulty. Busting the misconception that we should grieve alone doesn't mean we have to grieve publicly or in a group or that we shouldn't spend any time alone. But when we are grieving, there is a natural tendency to create self-isolation, and that is what we want to avoid. Social isolation is not good for anyone -- not even introverts.
From the time most of us were children, we have been conditioned and taught that negative emotions are not socially acceptable and that we should deal with these things alone, in private. Do you remember being told as a child, "If you're going to cry, go to your room!"? Or maybe you remember saying things like that to your children. I know I have experienced both. I don't use that example to shame anyone's parents or to shame you as a parent, only to illustrate that this is an almost universal experience, and it's one way we were taught to deal with our emotions. We sometimes repeat patterns without even realizing the impact they will have.
If we grow up with the idea that no one wants to see or hear us cry, or that crying is a weakness we should be embarrassed about, or if we have grown up fearing punishment for showing our true feelings, it can be challenging once we are adults to suddenly want to open up to others. Grief is a vulnerable place, and it can be difficult to want to open that up to other people's judgment, even if that means going without other people's support.
Even if we want to open up, sometimes we feel we shouldn't because we don't want to bring others down. After a loss, this may come into play when someone invites you to a gathering. You may be afraid you might not be able to hold it together if someone asks you how you are. You may not be in a place where you can pretend to be okay, so you are afraid you will bring the group down. So you say, "Oh, thanks, but it's just better for me to be alone right now." It's not that you should never be alone to process -- that is healthy and helpful. But if you find yourself completely isolating and aren't ever letting anyone in, it's time to look at why and what you can do to remedy that.
In a 2021 study at Arizona State University, researchers found that the absence of social support during grief can exacerbate people's poor physical and psychological outcomes. Grief is very heavy to carry on your own. Finding a trusted person to witness and support you in your difficult emotions is key to getting through it. If you had a friend or loved one who was grieving, I think you'd probably want to be there to support them. You are deserving and worthy of that love and support, too.
A note of caution -- the counsel to avoid grieving alone should not be misconstrued as advice that we should grieve with anyone and everyone. As Brené Brown teaches, vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and personal stories and experiences with people who have earned the right to hear those things. Vulnerability is NOT the indiscriminate oversharing that we sometimes see people engage in on social media. In her book Daring Greatly, Brown says, "...sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we've developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability is increased connection, trust, and engagement."
Grief is universal. It's painful. It's heavy. It's hard to bear. You don't have to (and nor should you!) walk through it alone. Help and hope, and healing are available to you. If you don't have a trusted person to process grief with in your life, as an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist, I am honored to walk that journey with my clients. Find out more by scheduling a free consultation with me HERE.
