Grief During the Holidays
Grief can sneak up on you and punch you in the face on any normal, ordinary day. It's no surprise, then, that the holidays can really be an especially difficult time if you are grieving. And since we are just beginning the holiday season, I thought we could talk about grief during the holidays.
Why do holidays have the potential to be so difficult? Well, because they are a tangible reminder of someone we are missing. We have memories of holidays past when we were together. We may have holiday traditions that deeply involve those people. "Dad always used to take us on a hay ride caroling through the neighborhood." "Grandma made her chocolate cream pie every Thanksgiving." "We always used to shop for the kids' gifts together, but now I have to do it alone."
If it weren't enough for our brain to remind us of who we are missing on its own, the holidays can be hard because external reminders are everywhere. You find holiday decorations and music almost any place you go. And I don't know about you, but there are some ridiculously sad Christmas songs that reduce me to tears for no reason at all, so imagine how difficult those songs are to hear when you feel like they absolutely apply to your own broken heart. The holidays are full of parties, gift exchanges, events, and meals. There are opportunities to gather, and opportunities to feel really alone.
The holidays aren't going anywhere, and they're nearly impossible to ignore. So here are some helpful ideas for making it through.
1. It's normal to feel sad during the holidays. It's also normal to be happy. It's okay if you're not filled with cheer. It's also okay to find moments of joy -- that doesn't mean you aren't honoring the person who is gone. No guilt allowed. Embrace the "and". Reduce your expectations both of the holidays and of yourself.
2. Keep your grounding daily routines intact. With all of the hustle and bustle of the holidays, it's important to make sure you are taking the time to put those basic things in place that give you peace and order. So whether it's exercise, sleep, meditation practice, journaling, etc., keep those routines so that you're giving yourself a strong foundation to stand on during all the extras that the holidays bring.
3. Be choosy. You might get a lot of invitations to do things during the holiday season. You don't have to do them all -- especially when those invitations come from someone or a group of people who drain you of energy or cheer. If you do choose to go somewhere, be choosy about how long you stay. Make an exit plan ahead of time so that if this gathering is unexpectedly hard or draining, you already know how you're going to get out.
Being choosy doesn't just apply to events. If Christmas music is really difficult for you, put on headphones and listen to an audiobook or regular music. Do your shopping online if you don't want to be out in the crowds. Maybe you don't want to decorate at all. Or maybe you want more decorations and lights than usual. You don't have to watch any Christmas movies -- OR you can give yourself a steady diet of Hallmark movies from Halloween on if that is bringing you peace and maybe just a little joy. Decide what you need. Grieving is exhausting, and you might not have the reserves to do everything you usually do. Choose what and who is most important, and spend your energy there. When we do that, those interactions and extras build us up rather than drain us.
4. Make a list, and check it twice. (No, not that kind of Christmas list.) Make a list of things you normally do during the holidays. This could be decorating, shopping, holiday cards, crafting, cooking and baking, delivering neighbor gifts, places to go, movies to watch. Now go over the list again, this time with the lens of "Do I really want to do this or do I feel like I have to do this?" If it's something you want to do, then that's easy, do it. But if it's something you feel like you have to do, ask yourself why.
Let's take holiday cards as an example. If you love sending holiday cards and that brings you joy, then send them. (Even if someone is missing from your holiday photo, and you fear that might make the recipient sad.) What if you usually send a photo card, but this year the lack of someone in the photo makes you sad, but you'd still like to send a card? Send a card without a photo. But what if sending cards is just too much this year? Too much time, too much expense, too much emotional pain? Then don't send them, and don't feel bad about it. You can pick it up again next year if that's what you want to do.
You may find something on the list that you don't want to do, but you feel you have to do it anyway. If that's the case, ask yourself what will happen if you don't. If it really is non-negotiable, then is there a way to make it easier? This process of deciding what really matters to you this year (we're not saying this is how it has to be forever!) allows you to make the holidays more intentional. You'll feel more in control and less swept up in things that aren't going to bring you joy or peace.
5. Create new traditions. Traditions are so important in our holiday celebrations, but when someone important to those traditions is no longer there, they can be painful reminders of your loss. One thing you can do is to try to incorporate that person's memory into your current traditions. For example, if you always run a turkey trot on Thanksgiving day, you could pin on a photo of your loved one or wear their favorite color. But you can also create new traditions so that you are building new memories that aren't painful to look back on. Maybe Mom always made lasagna on Christmas Eve, but nobody wants to keep doing that without her. Instead, go out for Chinese food. Or forget substituting and start something completely new like trying an activity you've never done (ice skating, going to the Nutcracker) or if you can, travel somewhere new. It's not always possible, I know, but traveling somewhere new is a great way to build new traditions and memories.
6. Help someone else. There are no shortage of service opportunities during the holidays -- or really any time of year. Helping other people takes our minds off of our grief for a little while, and it also has scientifically proven benefits to us. When we help others, our brains release natural endorphins or feel-good chemicals that boost our moods and counteract the effects of stress hormones on our bodies. Now, it may sound selfish to serve others for the helper's high, but it sure can't hurt. I also think people who are grieving can be more in tune with the pain others are going through, more empathetic, and more able to see someone else's pain and help relieve it. It's a win for everyone involved, and it could really change the entire focus of the holiday season for you.
7. Seek help. This is maybe the hardest one! But if you are having a hard time, reach out. We often don't want to burden friends or family with our sadness and don't want to bring others down, so we avoid holiday gatherings or walk around pretending so hard that we are fine. This doesn't serve us. Talk to friends and family about how you feel. "I'm really struggling with the holidays this year, and it surprises me after all this time." "Thanks for the invitation to your New Year's party. It was Bill's favorite holiday and I'm missing him extra right now."
The holidays can also bring up so many emotions and reminders of how incomplete we feel in our grief in general. Grief Recovery helps you process your unresolved emotions so that you can feel complete and more at peace. It doesn't mean you won't miss your loved one or that the holidays won't still be hard, but they won't have the extra burden of unresolved pain. Setting up a free discovery call with me is a great way to see if working together is right for you.
