Grief at Work
Did you know that the average worker in the United States gets only three days of bereavement leave if they get bereavement leave at all? It’s true. Most HR policies give people three days of bereavement leave for an immediate family member, one day for an extended family member, and zero days for a friend or colleague. Over two-thirds of people end up taking additional non-bereavement leave days (paid or unpaid) because they need more time. Many other people — especially part-time employees, contract workers, or those who are self-employed are only able to take the time off that they can afford.
Three days is hardly enough time to wrap your head around your loss; deal with logistics such as death certificates, insurance policies, and bank accounts; and plan and attend a funeral, let alone have time to process the all-consuming emotions of grief. This is a large systemic issue that obviously can’t be solved in a blog post. So what can you do when a big systemic issue affects you and your very personal and individual loss?
First, communicate with your employer about what has happened. You may not be comfortable offering too many details, but trying to be specific can help your employer understand. Saying, “We’ve had a death in the family,” could be a little vague. Does that mean your husband’s great aunt Mildred passed away, and you need a couple of days to travel to a funeral, or did your spouse or child pass away? Those losses will affect you in very different ways. Your employer needs to understand what you are dealing with because that will inform their expectations of you and your needs.
Second, when you do return to work, it can be helpful to let your employer and co-workers know what happened and what you need. You can do this in an email so that you don’t have to exhaust yourself emotionally by explaining it over and over. People generally do want to be kind and supportive, but as a culture, we are uncomfortable with grief and don’t always know what the right thing to do is. Letting them know that you do or do not want to talk about it at work, or specific things that you don’t want to talk about, could help keep you from a triggering conversation and keep them from feeling awkward.
Here’s an example of what you could write:
Dear coworkers,
As you may have heard, my mom unexpectedly passed away last week. I will be back at work on Monday. I want you to know that I appreciate the texts and support as you’ve all been covering for me. I am not in a place where I am ready to talk about the specifics of her death, so please don’t ask me right now. I don’t think extra sympathy or attention will be helpful for me. I kind of need work to be the place where it’s “business as usual” for me — it’s a good distraction from what I’m dealing with at home. Thanks for being such a supportive group to work with. See you Monday.
Or
Dear coworkers,
As you may have heard, my grandson was killed in a car accident last week. I know many of you knew him, as he interned here in the summers. It’s been such a difficult loss. I have found it’s so comforting to hear other people’s memories of him, so if you see me, I’d love to talk about him and hear your experiences with him. I might cry because my emotions are right at the surface, but they’re the good kind of tears.
I would prefer not to talk about his car accident. It’s still too painful, and I would rather spend the time talking about his life. Thanks for understanding. I’ll see you soon.
These are just some general ideas. But telling people what you need, what you want to talk about, and what you don’t want to talk about helps everyone involved. Everyone’s response to grief is different, and so there’s not a one-size fits all solution for what is comforting. Most people do not want to say or do hurtful things, but they’re not mind readers. Being clear about what you need helps them be clear in how best to support you.
Third, work may not be a place where you want to be or can be emotionally vulnerable. Most of us don’t have the privilege of just not showing up for work for a few months while we grieve. You may be in a position of having to hold it together at work way sooner than you want to or feel ready to. So what, then?
Recognize that it might be difficult and exhausting to hold it together all day. This is where self-compassion comes in. It’s okay to feel like it’s unfair that you had to return so soon, or that it’s so hard to keep your emotions together, or that now that you are back, people are expecting more of you than you can give. You’ve been through a loss. You are grieving. It’s okay that this is difficult.
Have a strategy for what to do if you are overwhelmed by emotions at work. Do you have a go-to person you can talk to? Is there somewhere you can go where it’s private for a minute to breathe and recoup? This way, you don’t have to fear your emotions coming up. You can expect it and have a plan in place for what you will do when that happens. And if it does happen, go back to the paragraph above. Self-compassion! Don’t beat yourself up for having emotions.
Taking extra care of yourself (all that true self-care like sleep, nutrition, movement, and connection with other people) is key during grief, but especially when you have to jump back into your work-life routine. I know it sounds too simple to make a difference, but it really does. Grief is stressful, returning to work can be stressful — your body and brain need all the support you can give.
Fourth, see what support options are available to you through your work. You may have benefits that you didn’t realize. A larger company may have an internal bereavement support program, though this is rare. Your health plan may offer mental health benefits that you aren’t aware of because you didn’t need them. You can also often use HSA accounts for the costs of mental health support.
Fifth, even if there are no official channels available through your employer for grief and bereavement support, finding support on your own can help you navigate and process the emotions of grief so that you can manage the day-to-day demands of life. You can always find out more about the Grief Recovery Method that I guide clients through HERE, or set up a free Zoom consultation HERE to find out if we are a good match.