Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Helping your teen or young adult child through a breakup can be a challenging time for parents. Sometimes the line between offering compassion and offering perspective can be whisper thin. Here are some ideas for parents to support your child in a way that helps them build resilience while they are healing and growing from their heartbreak.
One of my daughters experienced a high school breakup that was hard, and we all felt sad about it. I felt like I couldn’t bear to see her so sad, and so I became the queen of silver linings, bright sides, and positivity. (It was probably toxic positivity, to be honest.)
I remember picking her up from school one day not too long after the breakup, and I said, “I found the perfect song for you!” It was “You’ll Be Okay” by A Great Big World. I had the song all queued up and ready to go. I hit play, expecting it to be just the thing to get her through.
And she promptly burst into heartbroken sobs.
The song’s message that all would be well and brighter days were ahead was not at all what she needed in that moment. It was too soon. I was offering perspective, and what she needed was for me to acknowledge that this felt painful and unfair and to sit with her in those emotions.
Here are six things to keep in mind as you help your teen or young adult come through a breakup.
Even though they are young, their feelings are real. John Greene said it perfectly: “The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself.” This is important for them to acknowledge and important for you to acknowledge.
Trying to minimize their pain by saying, “It was just puppy love,” or “You’re young; there are so many other fish in the sea,” or “High school relationships never work out anyway,” doesn’t actually make their pain less. It makes them feel like their pain isn’t valid. Putting your own feelings and perspective aside for a bit to acknowledge their painful feelings is a great first step.
Remember that this is not a problem for you to fix. That is difficult to remember because, as parents, it is painful to see our children struggling or hurting. This is their relationship, and as humans, we learn by going through challenges — even heartbreaking ones. Trying to solve the heartache by trying to mediate between the two, doing grand gestures to cheer them up, or suggesting new people they could date really doesn’t solve their pain.
It’s a time to put your own feelings aside, whether you adored their ex or couldn’t stand them. It’s a time to be present with your child in their emotions and let them know it’s okay to feel their feelings. It’s also a good time to model healthy coping mechanisms. Maybe share something you did that helped you at that same age. “When my boyfriend dumped me, I wrote him a letter with all my feelings in it, but I never sent it to him. I just got it all out, and then I burned it at a campfire with my friends. It felt so good to get it out and to be with my friends while I let go of it all.”
Listen more than you talk. You may assume you know what happened or how they are feeling, but you need to let them talk about it. They may need to rehash it more than once just to process it.
Teens tend to open up to talk late at night (like right when you are ready to go to sleep) or in the car. Expect that it might not be convenient for you when they feel like talking, but it’s important to be present and ready when they are. The difference between how much they will talk right after school vs late at night can be huge. Be as present as possible while you listen.
Avoid the temptation to make a villain of their ex. This can be hard because we want to show solidarity with our child in that moment. And, when our child has been hurt, our protective instincts can really be triggered. When we say things like, “I never liked her anyway,” or “I had a feeling he would break your heart,” that doesn’t help them feel better. It makes them feel stupid or shameful for picking that person. If they still have feelings for this person, it can even make them defensive or angry at you to hear how much you dislike them. It can also put you in an awkward position if they later reconcile.
This doesn’t mean you should be the champion for their ex, either — especially if your child is the one initiating the breakup or if they’ve been really hurt. Saying, “Oh, but you two were perfect together,” isn’t helpful. Basically, keep the focus on your child as much as possible and not the other person. They will probably be focusing enough on the other person for both of you.
Recognize that their feelings may be all over the place, and that’s okay. Grief is a normal and natural response to loss of any kind — and a breakup is a loss. Grief comes with many emotions, and they do not flow in any sort of pattern or stage. You may have just come from your child’s room where they’ve been crying, only to hear them laughing with friends 30 minutes later. That’s normal. It’s also normal to think that they are recovering well, but then they are sad or angry again weeks later.
Any emotion is okay to have. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, betrayed, rejected, disappointed, etc. But it’s also important to know that not all reactions to these emotions are okay. We can be furious, but we can’t go let the air out of his tires or other acts of revenge. Help them find healthy ways to process their emotions, whether it’s through talking, journaling, or something physical like exercise or even hitting a tree with a pool noodle. Getting those emotions out is healthy — but even when the emotions are strong, we need to get those emotions out in an appropriate way that doesn't cause harm to people or property.
We all have a tendency to isolate ourselves when we are grieving, and this can be especially strong in teens. After a few days of emotions and allowing them to be a little self-indulgent, it’s appropriate to ease them back into routines, things they find joy in doing and connecting with people socially. Of course, you want to be sensitive to their feelings, but helping them move forward in their lives is also critical.
Making sure they are taking good care of themselves physically is important too. Basic things like sleep, nutrition, movement, and time outside can really make a difference vs staying up all hours on their phones, only eating treats, and isolating alone in their rooms.
Occasionally, a teen or young adult will not bounce back after a breakup. Pay attention to signs of depression or anxiety. If they are struggling to return to a more normal state for them after a few weeks, or if they are having trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, or experiencing changes in appetite, no interest in friends or other people or activities that bring them joy, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them or you. It just means that they may need extra support or tools to navigate this loss.
The teen and young adult years can be filled with amazing high points and also tempered with heartbreaking lows. Even though sometimes our children this age feel too old to need us, it’s not true. Being there for them to support them through the rough patches, recognizing their feelings are absolutely real, and listening to understand (not to fix) are all ways we help them continue to grow and develop into resilient adults.
