When You Can’t Sleep: Grief and Insomnia
It’s completely unfair. When you are grieving, it makes sleep more difficult, and the lack of sleep makes grieving more difficult. It can be a distressing cycle that can make you feel hopeless and alone.
However, you’re not alone. Most bereaved people do experience some sleep disturbance, and it’s definitely the physical symptom of grief that my clients bring up the most.
So, let’s talk about grief-related sleep disturbances, what they are, why they happen, and most importantly — what we can do about them.
What are sleep disturbances?
Sleep disturbances can include the inability to fall asleep or stay asleep—we will refer to that as insomnia here. However, sleep disturbances can also include things like wanting or needing to sleep an excessive amount or all the time. They can also include a fear of going to sleep because of nightmares or other anxiety-related thoughts. For this blog post, we will be diving into insomnia sleep disturbances.
Why sleep disturbances during grief?
So, why can it be so hard to sleep when you’re grieving? It seems like the cruelest trick.
It comes down to the biological stress response in our brains. Grief is a tremendously stressful experience, and without getting too technical into the process of the hormones and chemicals in our brains, significant stress causes a cortisol imbalance in our brains. Cortisol is often referred to as our stress hormone.
Normally, our cortisol levels decrease throughout the day, allowing us to fall asleep at night. Then, they spike in the early morning hours, helping us wake up. When we are stressed, our cortisol levels are high, making sleep harder to come by. Sometimes, our anticipatory fear about not being able to sleep or coping mechanisms to deal with sleep troubles can lead to bad habits that make insomnia more of a chronic condition.
If you are a person who is prone to insomnia in regular life, you are more likely to deal with grief-related insomnia as well. People with higher levels of depression are also more likely to experience grief-related insomnia, as are people who lose a spouse in later life. This can be not only because of the intense loss but also because of the secondary loss of a familiar sleeping environment beside their spouse.
It’s a two-way street.
Not only does grief make our sleep more difficult, but the lack of sleep makes grieving more difficult. Sleep deprivation can make it harder for us to regulate our emotions, so we are more prone to feel overwhelmed and on the edge. Sleep deprivation is also a factor in our general mental health, increasing our risk for anxiety and depression.
Lack of sleep can make it harder to process new information. We don’t often think about it this way, but especially in early grief, that’s a big part of what we are doing, whether consciously or subconsciously. When you lose someone you love, it takes your brain a while to process that this is your new reality.
Insomnia can also affect our ability to be empathetic, creative, and make good decisions. So, it really does make grief so much more difficult.
What can we do about it?
The first thing to look at is sleep hygiene. This includes our habits and our sleeping environment. Sometimes, when we struggle to sleep, changing some simple things can make a big difference. Here are a few to look at.
Avoid caffeine after mid-day. Caffeine can have a longer-lasting effect on your brain than expected, even if you can’t perceptively notice a difference in your body.
Avoid eating and consuming alcohol in the last 2-3 hours before going to bed.
Get outside and get some light exposure early in the day.
Avoid bright or blue light (any and all screens!) for 2 hours before bed.
Make sure your bedding is comfortable.
Ensure your bedroom is at a comfortable sleeping temperature. People generally get better quality sleep in a colder room.
Develop a relaxing evening routine. This doesn’t have to be complicated or overly involved, but it should signal your body that you are getting ready for sleep. This can include a shower or bath, reading, prayer, meditation, etc.
While sleep hygiene should be our first step, sometimes it’s not enough to alleviate insomnia. Two other things to try are sleep restriction and stimulus control. Sleep restriction involves sleep consolidation, so you should not nap during the day and reduce the amount of time you spend in bed while awake. Stimulus control is when you restrict the time you spend in your bed to only sleeping or sex. So, in that case, you would not watch TV, read, or scroll your phone in bed. This can help to signal to your brain that the bed is where you sleep.
Professional Help
If you have been struggling with sleep disturbances for more than three months, or if you don’t want to wait 3 months and need help now, there are a few options to try if the above has not helped.
CBT-I stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia. This specific therapy employs some of the above techniques and is offered by licensed professionals specifically trained in CBT-I. You can find a directory of CBT-I providers HERE.
If you cannot find a CBT-I provider or find it cost-prohibitive, there’s also a CBT-I-based app that can be helpful. It’s called Insomnia Coach. This app is free and was developed by the U.S. for Veterans and Service members, but it is available for everyone to use. It is compatible with both Apple and Android devices, and the link to get this app is HERE.
Medicinal sleep aids. This can be a helpful option but should not be a long-term strategy — ideally 5 weeks or less. Consult with your doctor to weigh the risks and benefits. Sleeping pills are often not recommended in older adults because they can increase the risk of falls. These medications generally come with a list of side effects, including dependence, and so those should be thoroughly discussed with your doctor if you decide to go this route.
Grief Support. Processing the emotions that come up in grief can help alleviate the stress response in the brain and body. Consider setting up a free consultation call with me HERE to see how working together might benefit you. As a certified Grief Recovery Specialist and wellness coach, I can provide compassionate and evidence-based support to help guide you through this difficult time in your life.
Because sleep is so important to brain health, it’s critical that we address sleep disturbances when they arise while grieving. While sleep disturbances are a normal part of grief for some people, that doesn’t mean we have to suffer with them.
Grief can be overwhelming, and a lack of sleep can also feel overwhelming, making it harder to do anything about it. Check in on those you love to see if they are sleeping well or if they need some support. It can make a huge difference in how they recover from their loss.
