Gratitude and Grief
It's Thanksgiving week in the United States, which means lots of talk about gratitude. When you are grieving, gratitude can seem like an attempt to minimize your loss. People often say minimizing things like, "be grateful you had that time with your dad." Or "You should be thankful you got to say goodbye; some people don't." That minimizing advice can be very painful to hear. But gratitude and grief are not mutually exclusive.
I love this quote from Francis Ward Weller:
"The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? That's how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I'll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I'll become saccharine and won't develop much compassion for other people's suffering. Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible."
The idea of gratitude and grief stretching us to make us more whole people resonates with me. We can't use gratitude to minimize our grief, but neither should grief minimize our gratitude. There is room for both in our lives, and both are excellent teachers.
Psychology Today lists gratitude's scientifically proven benefits: better relationships, improved physical health, improved psychological health, enhanced empathy, reduced aggression, better sleep, improved self-esteem, and improved mental strength. Feelings of gratitude can be difficult to access when we are grieving because grief is so all-consuming. But gratitude is clearly important for our health and well-being.
Here are a few ways to cultivate gratitude when you are grieving (or even when you are not).
1. Write thank you notes.
Taking action to express gratitude feels good and reinforces those grateful feelings. Maybe there is someone who has helped you in your time of loss who you'd like to express thanks to. Maybe there is a teacher or friend from your past whose life or example helped you to get through difficult days. Perhaps you feel a little lost or forgotten. Seek out someone else who might be doing invisible work that is easily passed over to write a note of thanks to.
If you are having trouble getting started, here is a helpful template for a gratitude letter.
2. Keep a gratitude journal.
A gratitude journal doesn't have to be fancy. It could be as simple as just making a daily bullet point list if writing out paragraphs isn't your thing. The act of reflecting on good things and why we are thankful for them helps us be more aware of these things in our lives. By being more aware of things we are grateful for, we become more grateful. It's a pretty fantastic cycle.
A gratitude journal or thankful list is also very easy for children, though younger ones might need a little more help. If you have a child who tends to focus on negative things going on in their lives, a gratitude journal can help orient them toward looking for the good in their lives too. Another idea to cultivate this in kids is to go around the dinner table as a family and list the highs and lows of the day or one thing everyone is thankful for.
3. Prayer & Meditation
If you are a praying person, try saying a prayer of gratitude, not asking for help or blessings. Making this a regular practice trains us to look for ways to be grateful in our everyday lives.
Meditation is a wonderful way to cultivate gratitude. If you are new to meditation, I like the Headspace app. I know other people who like the Calm app. But there are also free guided meditations easily found on YouTube.
Gratitude is worth making efforts to cultivate and grow, even in the midst of grief. It doesn't take our suffering away but reminds us that there is still good and hope to be found. Grief will stretch us in uncomfortable ways whether we want it to or not, but it's up to us to balance it and seek gratitude so that we can be more whole, as the quote says, holding one in each hand.
