Supporting Grieving Children through the Holidays
The holidays are a time of gatherings, memories, and traditions. These aspects of our celebrations are what make the holidays so special, but they can also make them quite painful if you are grieving. It can be heartbreaking to think of children grieving, but the truth is that they do, even (and maybe especially) during the holidays. Supporting them at a time when everyone else seems to be celebrating takes a thoughtful and compassionate approach.
Here are five ways you can help provide support:
Encourage open and honest communication.
It’s important to recognize that everyone grieves differently, and that’s true for children and teens, as well. Some kids will express emotions outwardly, while others will be more reserved. Don’t make assumptions about how they are feeling based on outward appearances. And don’t tell them how they are supposed to be feeling. The key here is to ask and open the channels of communication by listening.
Create a safe space for them to express their feelings and memories of the person they lost without judgment. You may feel hesitant to bring up their lost loved one if it has been a while since their death. Trust that they haven’t forgotten, and they may be reluctant to bring it up. Share your own memories about their loved one. If you are grieving the same person, it’s okay to show your own emotions, though you never want to put a child in the position of being your emotional support person. But, kids do like to know that adults are human, and it helps them normalize their own emotions to know that you have feelings, too.
If when you bring up the child or teen’s loved one they are resistant to talking about it, don’t force the issue. You want to provide opportunities for them to talk and vent and reminisce, but you certainly don’t want to make it mandatory. Kids and teens are both more likely to talk about feelings at bedtime and in the car. So be aware that those may be times when they are ready to talk.
Be flexible.
The holiday season is challenging anyway — lots of extra activities, demands on time, and expectations from others. It can be even more challenging when you are grieving, so recognize that and expect that emotions may vary.
Be flexible with plans and expectations, allowing the child to participate in activities at their own pace and comfort level. For example, if a family has lost a parent, grandparents or the surviving parent may want to go put Christmas decorations up at the cemetery. Maybe one child is really uncomfortable and unhappy about this idea. Allow them to opt out.
Establish some new traditions.
I’m not suggesting that you get rid of old traditions, though if they are painful, you may not want to hold onto all of them. That will be something to decide as a family. But helping a child create new holiday traditions or even modify existing ones to include a way to honor and remember their loved ones can be really special. This can give your child or teen a way to feel they are bringing their loved one into future holidays while acknowledging that things are different than they were in years past.
Provide comfort objects.
Sometimes a tangible reminder of their loved one is really comforting. It can also provide a sense of connection during the holiday celebrations. You could include the child in deciding what this might be, but here are a few ideas.
You could get a special ornament for the tree that includes a photo of their loved one or an ornament of something that really represents that person. If Grandpa always wore cowboy boots, maybe a cowboy boot ornament would be a sweet reminder of him on the tree. Your child might have a different idea than you do about what ornament is just right, but let them take the lead so that it’s meaningful to them.
A piece of jewelry might not be appropriate for really young children, but for older kids and teens, this can be special and symbolic. Maybe getting them a special necklace with mom’s initial to feel like they have her with them, or allowing them to wear grandma’s snowflake pin or grandpa’s favorite tie tack to a holiday concert could be a special way to honor their loved one. Obviously, you would not want to let them wear something that you’d be devastated if it was lost — the guilt from that could be so painful for your child, but use your best judgment.
A framed photo of their loved one or the child with the loved one can be comforting to see. This could be kept in their room or even as part of your holiday decorations. Again, let the child lead with what would be most comforting.
Create a memory project.
Sometimes a big gesture to remember can feel really satisfying to kids who might worry that their loved one could get forgotten in the hustle and bustle of the holidays, and it’s fun to find ways to be creative. Again, you can brainstorm with your child to figure out the best way to do this, but some ideas include making a scrapbook, putting together a holiday-themed memory box, planting a tree, or donating a memorial park bench or something like it.
Remember that every child grieves differently, so it’s important to listen, observe, and adapt your support based on that child’s unique needs and preferences. If there are multiple children grieving the same person, one size may not fit all. You can expect their needs to be very individual.
Involving other family members, friends, and caregivers in the support process can create a more comprehensive network of care for the child. This can look like inviting people to the child’s holiday concerts or even sending out a text or an email like “This is Alex’s first holiday season without his dad around. We are doing this, this, and this to support him, and we’d love your help with blank.” Most people are so eager to want to help a grieving child in any way they can, but they often don’t know what to do, so these are welcome invitations.
Additionally, if a child or teen is struggling with their grief during the holiday season, please consider involving a mental health professional, like a counselor or therapist, who specializes in grief and loss in children. Your pediatrician should have local recommendations on this. Professional support can provide tools and coping strategies that are tailored to the child’s needs and can take some of the weight of that off of you if you are also grieving or just don’t know how to help.
It can be hard to know when to seek help, but here are some signs that your child may need more support.
They are having difficulty functioning at school or at home. This can look like not being able to attend school, not completing assignments, not being able to maintain a sleep schedule, or struggling with hygiene.
They are having an uptick in behavioral issues that are unusual for them.
They are engaging in risky behavior. This can look like drug or alcohol use but also like driving recklessly.
Their grief symptoms (sadness, exhaustion, social withdrawal) strongly persist or grow worse after 6 months.
They are experiencing symptoms of anxiety or PTSD where they relive the trauma through their thoughts or in play, they are having nightmares, they can’t relax because they always feel “on guard”, or they avoid talking at all about their loved one.
They make statements about wanting to harm themselves or wishing to die (even if it is to join their loved one who has passed). These are emergencies.
