Grief When A Celebrity Dies
Since the sad news of Matthew Perry’s death over the weekend started to come out, I have seen countless tribute posts online about what his life and his work meant to people. Some of the posts have been from people who worked with Matthew or knew him personally or through his work in addiction recovery, but most are from fans — people who never actually knew him, but felt like they did.
Celebrities can feel like people we know, even like Friends (capitalized especially in this case for Matthew). The grief we feel when they die is real, but if we think about it too much, we can feel a bit silly about that. When it comes down to it, we didn’t actually know them. So why is that pain real?
Most of the time we don’t have personal relationships with celebrities. Even if we’ve had a chance to meet a celebrity that we love, they probably don’t know we exist beyond some nebulous group of people who are fans. But the fact that they don’t know we exist doesn’t matter. We have thoughts about them and invest energy into them, and that essentially creates a one-sided relationship.
The technical term for this one-sided relationship with a celebrity is called a parasocial relationship. This is why we feel like our favorite podcast hosts are our friends, or why we identify as part of a sports team that we are just fans of. While the term “parasocial” makes it kind of seem like this might be a negative thing, experts agree that most of the time parasocial relationships are normal and healthy.
Grieving someone you have a relationship with is perfectly normal. Grieving a celebrity that you have a parasocial relationship with is also perfectly normal. Let’s look at a few reasons why.
We have hopes and expectations that aren’t fulfilled. A few years ago, Betty White died right before she turned 100. The same thing happened with Prince Philip. And while they both had lived long, full lives, it still felt wrong somehow for them to not reach 100 when they were so close. I felt so disappointed on their behalf. I don’t know if they were disappointed to just barely miss that milestone, but I was disappointed for them. Kind of silly! And why would this matter? It really comes down to my own thoughts about the significance of turning 100.
Sometimes celebrities fit an ideal we don’t have in our own lives. For example, there was a great outpouring of grief when actor Bob Saget passed away. If you thought that Bob Saget was the awesome dad you never had growing up when watching him on Full House, and he idealized for you what that dad role should look like, you will certainly have some feelings about his passing.
Sometimes celebrities are woven into the fabric of our own memories. If you saw Kobe Bryant play in the first NBA game you watched with your dad, that memory of him might be more significant than if you’d never seen him play. You might have so many good memories of watching Friends with your college roommates, so Matthew Perry’s death seems more personal. Sometimes we do get to meet our favorite celebrities, and then their existence is even more real to us, and their deaths can have more impact.
We may have thoughts about how someone died too young and still had so much to offer. It often feels more tragic when we lose someone young, celebrity or not because we expect and hope for people to be able to live out a normal lifespan. Chadwick Boseman comes to mind here. I felt so sad at his passing, and it surprised me because I wouldn’t have considered myself a super fan. But he felt tragically young and had so much talent and potential. Additionally, when a public figure who is our own age dies, it can be a reminder of our own mortality.
You may have thoughts about the way a celebrity died — if it was natural causes or an accident or tragedy. You may have thoughts about how their family handled their life and now their death. You may be sad when you think that a favorite musician, author, or artist will never produce any new work.
There are many reasons we can grieve the death of a celebrity or public figure, but they all come down to our thoughts. That doesn’t make it silly, and it doesn’t make the grief any less real, though. Here are a few ways to cope.
As you are processing your feelings, you may find it comforting to partake in their work again — watching their shows or movies, reading their book, watching videos of them participating in the sport you loved watching. On the other hand, sometimes those things can feel too painful right away. Neither is wrong. So, whatever brings you comfort, choose that.
If you have particularly strong feelings about a celebrity after their death, some people do find it helpful to write a tribute post about what that person meant to them. If you’re more private, you could write a letter or a journal entry. I’ve seen a couple of artists in the last few days do lovely little Friends-related tributes to Matthew Perry. It doesn’t matter what medium you use, but can be helpful to channel our feelings into words or creative endeavors.
Lastly, talk about your feelings with someone who gets it. A sense of community in grief is a real gift. When a beloved celebrity dies, it’s not hard to find someone else to commiserate with (even if it’s just interacting with someone’s post on social media), and that feeling of “me too” can go a long way in feeling less alone.
