Grief Myth Number Two: Replace the Loss

This post is part 2 of a blog series exploring the 6 Myths of Grief as found in The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. To read part 1, click HERE.

It's time to explore the second grief myth in the Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman: Replace The Loss.

This idea of replacing our loss doesn't come up in every situation, but it is prevalent in a few. One of the first that comes to mind is the loss of a pet. In the book, John uses an example from his own life when his pet dog died. One of the things his parents said to try to comfort him was, "We'll get you a new dog on Saturday."  His parents saw that he was heartbroken and wanted to fix it by replacing the source of his heartbreak. We are programmed to want to avoid emotional pain.

I have done this myself. We had the very best cat, Posie,  who died about nine years ago, and we were all heartbroken about it. I thought getting a new kitten would be the perfect thing to cheer us up. Kittens are funny and cute, and how could that not work? And while our new kitten was an absolute delight, I realized I was having trouble bonding with him because my heart was still so broken over Posie. 

We may even be guilty of replacing a dead goldfish in our young daughter's tank without her knowledge because we wanted to avoid the negative emotions related to her beloved goldfish Flower's death. Talk about trying to avoid emotional pain!

Another way we see people trying to replace the loss is at the end of a romantic relationship, whether through a breakup, divorce, or even the death of a partner. When that relationship ends, it can be tempting to want to recreate that with someone else. And this isn't to say that we shouldn't ever date again or jump into a new relationship -- not at all. But, when we do it before we have had a chance to become emotionally complete with the loss of our previous relationship, it can cause problems. I think we've all seen someone we care about jump into a rebound relationship very quickly where we know it's not going to work out because they haven't worked through their emotions from the loss or because they are trying to recreate their previous relationship with a completely different person. 

There are a few problems with trying to replace our losses. When we try to replace a relationship before we are emotionally complete with the last one, we bring that incomplete emotion into our new relationship. It's an unfair burden to place on a person or a pet when we expect their existence to heal us.

Another problem is that if you have tried this particular method to heal your heart, you know it doesn't work. Every person is unique, which means each relationship is special. You can't plug a new person or pet into an existing relationship and expect that it will just be the same. The fun or excitement of a new pet or relationship can feel really good in the moment, and it may not even be doomed to fail, but that's not the same as dealing with the emotions from the initial loss. No one is saying we can't have new relationships -- we just need to make sure we aren't using the new relationship to try to heal the old one.

Sometimes we are not at all tempted to try to replace our loss, but other people are very tempted to suggest it to us in an attempt to help us feel better. It all goes back to grief myth number 1, don't feel bad. People love us and want us to be happy, and they can be uncomfortable with our negative emotions, and their instinct is to try to fix it. So they will say after a breakup, "there are other fish in the sea!" They will counsel us to go get a new pet -- there's no sadness a new puppy can't fix, right? One of the most painful things I've heard is when people do this to someone who has had a miscarriage or loss of a child. "You can try again!" or "You can have more children" can seem like hopeful things to say when in fact, they can be very hurtful. 

The hard truth is when we love someone -- a person or a pet, or even the idea of someone who doesn't yet exist, they are not replaceable. Sometimes logic tells us it should be just that way -- kind of like replacing a battery. But that's not how people and relationships work. Coming to terms with that and working to become emotionally complete with your loss is the only way to truly open yourself up to the idea of something or someone new. It's only fair to you and fair to the new someone in your life.