Grief in the Digital Age

A little over a year ago, one of my daughter’s dearest friends was killed in a tragic car accident. This year, on the anniversary of Logan’s death, she received a Snapchat message from him, which, I’m sure you can imagine, was completely unnerving. (And obviously, I share this only with her permission.)

She immediately showed me the lock screen of her phone with the notification, and with a mild wave of panic, my thoughts began racing alongside hers.

Was this some kind of cruel prank?

Is there Snapchat in heaven? 

Was this a big mistake? A huge, horrible misunderstanding, and maybe Logan was really alive? 

I know it defies all logic and reason to even consider that last question, but my mind went there (so did hers!), and it did give my heart just a spark of hope that maybe this nightmare was not reality after all.

Upon opening the message, my daughter found photos of her and Logan — some she had never seen before. And along with the photos was an explanation and an apology.

Logan’s boyfriend was going through his phone and sending out photos that he thought people might want to have. He apologized for the scare, but he didn’t have another way to get in touch with Logan’s friends and thought the photos would make up for the shock of the notification. And he was right. The photos were exceptionally good, and new photos are a poignant treasure, especially when you think there will never be any more. She was so thankful for this kind gesture — definitely worth the scare.

I recently saw a video with a similar story. Dillon Michael White, who is known for his Dad Chats on TikTok, told a story about getting a phone call late at night from his dad’s cell phone. He said that he initially had the thought, “Oh, it’s my dad calling!” But then the realization hit him — my dad has been gone for 3 years. It turned out that his mom had kept his dad’s cell phone all that time, kept paying for the phone plan, and sometimes used the phone, unbeknownst to him. He went on to share some lovely thoughts about missing the sound of people’s voices once they die, but at the end, he advised people to stop using the cell phones of deceased relatives because of how upsetting it was.

In years past, getting a phone call or a message from beyond the grave would have been the stuff of sci-fi movies or a cheesy soap opera. But this is our reality as we navigate grief in the digital age. And yet, there can be so many benefits with online resources and community for grievers that were previously unavailable.

So, with that said, let’s look at how living in this modern online era affects grieving.

Sharing online can lead to a lack of privacy.

Sharing news of a death, divorce, or other loss online can be a great way to spread the difficult news all at once, and it can help our community rally around us. But sometimes, when we share with everyone, we relinquish some privacy that might have been maintained by sharing the news individually. It may definitely be worth the trade-off — and that’s only for you to decide, but sometimes sharing on social media opens us up to insensitive comments, too many suggestions for how you *should* be doing things, or invasive questions from people who don’t deserve the whole story. People are curious by nature, and sometimes, sadly, that wins out over empathy.

Dealing with constant, unexpected reminders.

Birthday reminders or random memories popping up that social media sites or your photos app create can trigger your grief when you least expect it. You may have a mutual friend who posts a tribute or memory of your deceased loved one that will catch you off guard. And while you may love to see the photos or other memories, you may not have control over when these reminders surface. 

Notifying people in the proper order may be complicated.

Occasionally, someone finds out about a death and posts about it on social media before the family and close friends have been notified individually. This can be an extremely painful and abrupt way to find out news that ideally should have been delivered in a more thoughtful manner.

Complications with someone using a deceased person’s social media.

Just like my examples above, there is nothing really stopping people from using someone’s social media or cell phone after they have passed. This can feel upsetting from the receiving end. Occasionally, it is necessary to use them to share photos or inform people when you don’t have their personal information, but it should always be made clear at the outset that you are using the account on behalf of the deceased.

There can also be some disagreement about what to do with social media accounts after someone has passed (more on this topic in next week’s blog post). Some families delete the accounts, some leave them open so people can access photos and memories, and others modify the account so that it’s obviously a memorial account. 

Social media contains so many photos, videos, and memories to share.

This is a wonderful part about social media and digital photos and videos in general. It’s so easy to share and make those memories accessible to so many people. You can pretty easily crowdsource photos and videos for a memorial. Lately, I’ve seen more and more people requesting photos be sent after a loved one dies. These can be such a comfort in our grief.

If you have photos, videos, or memories on your social media account or the social media account of your deceased loved one, please download, screenshot, and save them off of social media. And then back them up in various places. Don’t rely on social media to store your valuable memories — especially if it’s the account of your loved one. You may not be the one who gets to choose whether the account gets deleted or saved. So take control of those memories yourself.

Community and connection.

Social media provides community with your chosen friends/family, but there are also online resources for various support groups and communities. It should be noted, though, that spending too much time on our devices can actually lead to increased levels of loneliness and depression. So, try to balance that with in-person contact. 

Also, support groups can feel so good to be a part of, and lifelong friendships can be made there when we bond over our losses. However, be cautious. Sometimes, these support groups just allow us to marinate in our loss, and it can keep us stuck. If you do start to feel stuck, reach out for professional grief support. 

There can be so much good that comes from sharing our grief and our memories online, and if we are aware of the pitfalls that come along with it, we can do our best to mitigate the downsides. We don’t have a lot of examples to follow or patterns to expect when we are grieving in the digital age because it’s new for all of us. As we become even more connected and live our lives online, it will no doubt continue to change and evolve.

Check in again next week, when I will have a bonus blog post about what to do with a loved one’s social media and digital footprint after they are gone.