Grief Guide for Teens and Young Adults: Losing a Friend
For teens and young adults, having a friend die can be uniquely painful and disorienting. This may be their first experience with grief, and one that was wholly unexpected. In my own social circle, I’ve known of several young people to pass away recently — one, a close friend of my daughter’s. I have seen the pain and confusion this particular kind of loss can bring, and I wanted to share some thoughts, ideas, and ways to cope.
Why does this hurt so much?
In addition to just the pain of losing someone you love, there are a few reasons why losing a friend when you’re young is especially painful.
It’s unexpected. In our lives, we expect to outlive our grandparents and even eventually our parents. We expect to outlive our pets, even as sad as that thought is. But with siblings and peers, we expect that we will live out our lifetimes together. Losing someone young feels wrong because it goes against our expectations of the natural order of life, and it’s tough for our brains to make sense of this type of loss. We often have the thought that this should not have happened. It feels unfair and like a rip-off for them and us.
Sometimes a peer we are not close to dies, and we have an unexpectedly strong emotional reaction to it and wonder why. Why am I so upset when I hardly knew her? And it’s because it’s unsettling to have someone young pass away. It forces us to examine our own mortality well before we are ready to face that.
Unfinished communication. Especially when a friend dies suddenly, there may not have been a chance to say all the things you would have said to your friend had you known it was the last time you’d talk. There is so much left unsaid, and it can be excruciating to feel you have lost the opportunity to say what you want them to know.
The feeling of lost potential. When someone older dies, people often comment that they lived a full life. We don’t have that comfort with someone young. We can see a future trajectory that should have been, and it’s painful to know that your friend did not have the chance to see those future milestones and dreams achieved. It’s also sad to know they won’t be there in the future trajectory you planned on having them a part of.
Important things to know.
There is nothing wrong with you. Grief is the normal and natural response to losing something or someone significant to you. Grief is not just being sad. Grief has our emotions all over the place. You may be heartbroken, sad, angry, and confused. You may also find yourself laughing at photos and memories. You may be crying a ton, or you may not be. You might need a break from the heavy emotion and find release in doing something fun, and then you might feel guilty. This is all normal, and it’s all okay.
Everyone responds to grief in their own way. Even if you lose the same person, your reaction to grief may not look the same. As you look around at your friends, try not to compare how you feel or outwardly express your pain to anyone else’s. Some people keep their emotions more discreet, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling things at a large magnitude. You might feel like your other friends are over it when you are still really hurting. Your grief is unique to you, your relationship, and your timeline. You can’t do this wrong.
You may also find that what’s helpful for someone else may not be helpful for you, and that’s okay. For example, you may have another friend who feels comfort visiting the grave of someone they lost. It’s okay if that is uncomfortable for you. You don’t have to do things the way other people do. You will find what brings you comfort and peace.
There is no timeline for grief. While we generally adapt to loss, the ups and downs will even out, and the pain will lessen over time; how long that takes is really individual. That said, even after you start to feel better, you can expect grief triggers to pop up now and again — even years later. Your friend’s birthday, your birthday, other holidays, important future dates like graduations or weddings, favorite places, favorite songs, etc., can all be reminders of your loss.
You won’t forget. One of the most painful worries we can have is that because our friend is no longer here, we will forget them or their impact on our lives. This isn’t true. You won’t forget. I’ve included some ideas to honor and preserve their memory to help you remember below.
How to Cope
Talk about it. Find 3-5 trusted people you can talk to, and talk to them about your feelings and your friend. These people could be your parents, family members, other friends, or a professional like a counselor or coach. I know this can be especially hard when the friend you lost is the one you’d usually go to talk. But it’s important. Don’t keep this inside. Dr. Edith Eger, a holocaust survivor and now a practicing psychologist in her nineties, said, “The opposite of depression is expression. What comes out of you doesn’t make you sick; what stays in there does.”
Do a thought download. Sometimes the thoughts and emotions we are experiencing can seem overwhelming. An exercise I find helpful is to do a thought download. This is simply writing down every thought you are having. It doesn’t have to be pretty. Don’t edit yourself; don’t feel like you have to share it. Getting those thoughts and feelings out onto paper can be a real release.
Don’t isolate yourself. When we are grieving, it can be tempting to want to be alone (and, of course, some alone time is okay!). But it’s also a necessary time to seek connection with other people. You may find spending time with people who also knew and loved your friend especially comforting. But it may also be enjoyable to spend time with people who didn’t know them so you can have a break from the heaviness of grief. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Pay attention to numbing behaviors. We all have short-term energy-reducing behaviors (STERBS) that we use not to feel our feelings anymore or to release the energy those strong emotions create in our bodies. Let’s be real; sometimes, you absolutely need a break from the feelings. Find out more about sterbs HERE.
Sterbs are behaviors that release energy or buffer our emotions so that we are no longer thinking about the source of our emotions, and we get short-term relief from the energy our feelings create. Some examples of sterbs are excessive exercise, overeating, drug or alcohol use, gambling, escape through video games, tv, or movies, shopping (we even call it “retail therapy”), social isolation, unusual risk-taking, sex or pornography use, and mindless scrolling of our phones, to name a few.
The thing about sterbs is that they are temporary, they don’t actually fix what is hurting, and some of them can be destructive behaviors even in the short term. Bingeing shows on Netflix can be a nice break for an evening, but if that’s all you’re doing (insert any sterb here), you are probably trying to avoid your feelings, and this is when reaching out to someone to talk to is a good idea.
Schedule time to grieve. Life moves on quickly, and we often find ourselves having to hold it together to carry on doing work, school, and other activities, and we feel we can never take the time we need just to be sad. This may sound silly, but setting a timer for a block of time (even just 15 minutes) to listen to a sad song and cry or scream or whatever you must do can be an excellent way to release that emotion. If you find this wrecks you for the whole day, then maybe it isn’t for you, but it can be a good release if you can.
Write them a letter. This can be a challenging but satisfying activity. Write a letter to your friend telling them everything you wished you had been able to say while they were alive.
Get help. If you find you are struggling to cope, please ask for help. Needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. We all need help sometimes, and grieving a friend is hard.
If you are feeling hopeless, depressed, unable to function or get out of bed, or experiencing any thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself, please reach out to someone you trust, or you can call 988.
How to Honor Your Friend’s Memory
Photo Albums. Collect photos (and videos!) of your friend, whether it's a physical or digital album. Do not rely on social media sites like Instagram, TikTok, or Snapchat to preserve your photos. If the company goes under, you get hacked, or there’s a glitch, you don’t want those memories to be lost. Download them to your phone. And then back them up somewhere else, whether it’s something like google photos or a physical hard drive. Photos are a beautiful way to keep memories fresh. Share them with mutual friends. If it’s possible to add details in a caption, do that. You’ll never regret the effort it takes to organize and preserve these memories.
Make a playlist. This can take many forms. Make a playlist of music to listen to when you’re sad. Make a playlist of your friend’s favorite songs. Make a playlist of songs that remind you of your friend or specific memories with them. Make a playlist of songs that express some of the feelings you didn’t get to share. Music can be healing.
Write down memories. While you won’t ever forget your friend, specific memories can get blurry over the years. Write down important things you want to remember now while they’re fresh — don’t rely on your brain alone. You can do this in a journal style or keep a running list. This can be as simple as a note on your phone or as involved as a scrapbook. It doesn’t matter what form it takes, but preserving those memories can help release a lot of anxiety about forgetting. As the pain from your loss heals, you will likely find a lot of joy in reading these memories over again.
Find or create a symbol of your friendship. Some people find it comforting to have a physical object that reminds them of their friend. Whether it’s a framed photo, a piece of jewelry, art of some sort, or an object to display, this can be a concrete way to remind you of and pay tribute to your friend. This can be something subtle that only you know about and as simple as wearing their favorite color on a specific day.
Live your life. The best way you can honor your friend’s life is by living yours. Do not let this loss, as painful as it is, define the rest of your story. Find ways to incorporate their memory into as much of your life as you can or want to, and also: move forward, have adventures, and chase your dreams. Live your life to the fullest because you know too painfully well that however unfair it is, not everyone gets the chance.
I love this quote from Anne Lamott. “You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly-that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
You are learning hard lessons sooner than most. You will carry the memories and love of your friend with you forever. You will love them and miss them. You will find ways to keep your friend a part of your life and dance with the limp. Talk about how you feel so you can heal. You’ll be able to take what you learn from this heartbreak to help others learn to dance again when it’s their turn. Be kind to yourself throughout the process. And don’t forget, as lonely as it feels, there are people who love you and want to help you through this.
